Happy... :)

The other day I got one of the nicest compliments that I have ever had.  I was at my yearly physical, and my nurse looked at me and smiled and said "Happy looks really good on you!".  Awww....that was a great thing to hear, and you know what?  The best part is that it is TRUE.  I AM happy.  I have been traveling on this winding path of widowhood for 14 months now, and happy is not a word I felt like I would have used to describe myself for a LONG time.  I never imagined that I would actually be able to smile again the way I used to before Brian died, but I can, and it is a genuine smile, not the fake one I displayed for so long.

There are a lot of things that have contributed to this feeling of happiness and well being that I feel.  I have done a lot of things for myself in the last 14 months.  I lost a significant amount of weight when Brian died and I have kept it off (though I never recommend my diet!) and I have been walking daily to help keep it off and ward away my anxiety.  I joined a young widows support group, went to Camp Hope (three times) and twice went to Camp Widow.

I have to say that Camp Widow was one of the BEST things I could have ever done for myself.  I went to the first one feeling numb and the people I met and the classes I took (being at a resort on the ocean didn't hurt either!) helped me to come out of my cocoon.  The second time I went I know that my butterfly wings grew bigger, brighter and more beautiful.  I came home feeling....different, and that feeling has stayed and grown.  I am doing my best to nurture myself and continue to heal.

"Happy looks really good on you!"  You know what?  Happy is an AWESOME feeling....

Daylight savings

As of yesterday I have been a widow for 14 months.  It is hard to believe that it has been that long.  Today, for whatever reason, I am having a BAD widow day, missing my Brian more than usual.  I can't explain it, sometimes the crushing sadness just hits for seemingly no reason.  Though even in the sadness, there are funny memories that make me laugh, and today daylight savings brought one on....

Several years ago Brian and I spent a Sunday doing things around the house.  No tv, no radio and we didn't go anywhere.  We just hung out at home.  9:00 pm comes around so we sat down to watch the X-Files, one of our very favorite shows.  The X-Files was just ending, and I remember saying to him "Maybe they showed an extra one for some reason".  Then the news came on, huh?  We looked at each other in confusion and then realized that it was daylight savings and we had "sprung foward"!  We lost an hour in a matter of seconds and both laughed hysterically at the fact that we spent our whole day not knowing what time it was!  Of course, then we were really bummed that we had missed our show, haha!

I miss my Sundays with Brian.  I guess today I am missing him just a little more.....My winding path of widowhood is a little curvier today and I have cried enough tears to form a stream next to it.  But then I remember the silly, goofy things like not knowing it is daylight savings, and a little smile crosses my face through my tears.  Tomorrow will be another day and hopefully my path will level out and the sun will make my river of tears sparkle....

I did it again....

"Once in a while, in an ordinary life, LOVE gives you a Fairy Tale". 

This is another one of those "stand before you naked" blogs.  I promised myself when I started writing these that I would be honest and true.  That regardless of the situation I would tell my story, no matter how painful or embarrassing it may be...so here I go again....

Dating....I have to say that this is not an easy adventure and I am not sure that I am enjoying the experience.  I am actually questioning my sanity and whether or not it is worth continuing down this path!  There is a steep learning curve on this dating thing, and just when I think I might have it the curve shifts and I fall off.  Yet, for some reason I continue to move down this slippery slope....

So, I did it again....I fell again....and this time I fell harder than the first....I met someone that at first I said no to.  Why did I say no?  Because he is 6'4 and for those that don't know me I am all of 4'10 (and a half!).  I told him I couldn't meet him because he is a foot and a half taller than me and I was sure I would look like a little kid next to him.  One Saturday morning one of my friends and I were talking about this situation as we walked around the Farmer's Market. She was trying to convince me that I shouldn't turn someone down because of his height.  There happened to be a man about that height nearby, so I looked at her and said "Let me demonstrate".  I sauntered over to this man, stood next to him, turned around and smiled.  My friend couldn't help but laugh.  She agreed that I did indeed look tiny....but still said that I should take a chance....

As this guy was trying to convince me to meet him, he suggested that we go out to dinner sometime and he could sit across from me where he wouldn't look so tall and we could discuss this height issue I had.  He said that way I "could try on the shoe to see if it fit (fairy tale reference)"....how sweet was THAT?  Given the fact that he didn't give up when I said no, and instead took it as a challenge, he wore me down and even after everything I have been through I still believe in fairy tales and happy endings, so I decided to take that chance....

It didn't take long for me to realize that this man was someone that I wanted to get to know better.  He talked with such pride about his children, which was one of the first things to make me soften.  He would text me good morning and call me regularly.  In the beginning we would talk for hours, sometimes we would just sit in silence on the phone and somehow that was never uncomfortable.  He had this way of looking at me that made me feel like I was the most amazing thing he had ever seen.  He looked at me with a smile on his face at the end of our first meeting and said "What's the date? September 1st, remember this date, it is going to be a good one for both of us!".  When he kissed me for the first time I have to admit, it was one of the most incredible kisses I have ever had....I floated through the rest of the day with a smile on my face....

For our second date he made dinner for me.  We had an awesome night.  We talked about dating and the fact that he hadn't dated for a while because he had decided to get a dog.  I joked and told him to let me know if and when my status was more important than the dogs.  I really liked spending time with him.  He just felt....right.  For as big as that shoe was, I liked the way it seemed to fit.  However, what I didn't realize was that the shoe I was trying on was a running shoe....

What happened?  I....have....no....idea....  The last time I saw him he talked about "the next few times we get together"....and I haven't seen him since then.  I left his house that last time feeling like things were good, feeling confident that he would not do the same thing to me as the other men I had met had done, and that was to just disappear.  I must be really naive, because that is exactly what happened. 

The hardest part for me is the lack of closure, the fact that I don't know WHY he never called again.  I don't understand how you can look at someone the way he looked at me, talk about "the next few times", tell me that "there is definitely a physical attraction" and then just be gone.  He seemed to have such integrity, I truly didn't see it coming.  I realized the other day that part of what makes this so hard is because with Brian I didn't have a choice, I had NO control over the situation.  It didn't matter WHAT I did, because there was nothing I could do to save him.  With dating, I keep wondering "what if I had done this", "should I have done that?", "maybe I shouldn't have done this".  The woulda, coulda, shoulda's are brutal, and in the end I am left struggling, hurting and wondering what happened. 

I really (I mean REALLY!!) liked this man, and truth be told, I still do.  I miss him, and it both amazes and scares me how he got into my heart THAT fast.  I thought there was something there, like there was the potential for something real with him.  I don't want whatever it was becoming to be over.  My friends are again telling me that he isn't worth another thought, that it is his loss.  They keep telling me that I am going to kiss a lot of toads before the right man comes along.  I didn't think he was a toad....I thought he was Prince Charming....  One of my daughters asked last week "Mama, has ***** called?".  When I said no, she said "That's too bad Mama, he just doesn't know how great you really are!".  Apparently he doesn't.....let's see: dog....girlfriend....dog....girlfriend....I guess he picked the dog....

The first year is hard...the second year is harder...

The first year is hard, the second year is harder.  Just after Brian died this is what I was told by another widow.  It was the kind of encouragement I DIDN'T need.  That statement scared me half to death because I couldn't IMAGINE feeling any worse than I did at that point. As of today I am 52 days into my second year....do I think it is harder?  No, but it is different. 

Some widows have said that the second year brings on the realization that he is never coming back.  I have never questioned that....I have never expected him to walk through my front door.  I know he is gone, at least in a physical sense.  One widowed friend said that with each passing day she misses her husband more and more.  I miss Brian, but the pain of missing him has lessened. 

For me though, the second year has brought on incredible feelings of loneliness.  For as long as I can remember all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother.  I had that, and I was happy.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom, I would not trade my kids for anything, but I miss being a wife.  I saw a sign the other day that said "I don't need to be a good cook, I'm a trophy wife!".  I had to laugh because I am NOT a good cook and Brian ALWAYS called me his trophy wife, in fact that is what he had programmed into his cell phone for me...Trophy Wife.  I almost bought the sign, but then I realized it didn't fit anymore...I am no longer a wife.  I don't mind being alone, but I hate being lonely.

The second year is different.  I honestly didn"t expect this.  I knew that the anniversary of his death would be hard, and it was, but I didn't expect the whole month of September to be so hard.  I couldn't wait for it to be over.  Well, we are well into October and I am still in a funk.  Maybe it is because we have the holidays just around the corner.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years...His birthday, my birthday and Tucker's birthday are all coming up quickly.  This is the year I will be the same age as Brian when he died.  He would tease me on my birthday about me getting older and I would always reply "I'll never be as old as YOU!"  This year I will be, and that hurts. 

The first year was hard.  Adjusting to life without Brian, adjusting to life as an only parent.  Accepting that this is the way it is.  The second year....well, it has only just begun, and while I am sure that I will survive the second year as I survived the first, I hope it has some better things in store for us.  I do know this....the second year is NO WHERE NEAR as hard as the first.  I am sure that along the path of widowhood in this second year that I will encounter some deep ravines, but I also know that there will be more breathtaking views.....and along the way there will be reminders of Brian and the incredible man that he was....

Say his name....

Brian.  My husbands name was Brian.  I talk about him all the time.  I do not refer to him as my "late" husband, I simply refer to him as my husband.  I talk about him in the present tense, about things he liked to do and the things he did with the kids and how he wanted to raise them.  I guess I talk about him that way because he is still here, in my heart.  He will always be in my heart.

So many people ask me how I am doing, how the kids are doing, but they don't talk about Brian.  No one wants to make me cry.  I am here to tell you that it is okay for you to talk about him.  I WANT you to talk about him.  He was my husband, my best friend, the father of my children.  There is nothing that you can say that will make me cry.....that doesn't mean I WON'T tear up, it just means that you are not the cause of those tears.  In fact, it makes me more sad when you don't mention him.  He will forever be a part of me.  He was funny and quick witted and one of the smartest people I have ever known. 

Say his name....while it may bring tears, it will also bring happiness.  Happiness at the fact that he was loved not only by me, but by others too.  He was here...he existed...he loved and was loved...he is missed.

Brian...say his name with a smile on your lips as you remember your favorite memory of him.

B - Beautiful
R - Respectful
I - Interesting
A - Amazing
N - Nice (but sometimes Naughty!)

D - Dad

P - Polite
O - Outrageous
C - Cute
H - Husband
E - Energetic
L - Loving

Brian...my husband's name was Brian...and I will love him for the rest of my life.

I Survived

September 3, 2012...

It has been one year since Brian died.  One year since I held him as he took his last breaths.  A whole year....and I survived it.  I have to admit, I'm not sure HOW I survived, but I did. 

I was worried about how I was going to handle this day, Angel Day.  Worried (and hoping) that the anticipation of the impending "sadiversary" would be worse than the actual day....I was wrong.   The time hit midnight and the tears started flowing.  I couldn't stop them.  I texted one of my best widow friends at 2:00 a.m. and the next morning cried to her, because I know she gets it. 

So, what did we do to celebrate Brian's life on this day?  As a family we went to my family farm and walked to the place he loved to hunt the most.  The place where he shot his first buck, the spot where he and my dad shot three turkeys with two shots, the area where he sighted in his new rifle and cut down a tree with it. We took some of his ashes and each said something as we spread them.  I was first....and last to do it.  I told him that he would always be in my heart.  I took the last of the ashes and whipped them into the air in an arc and watched them fall to the Earth.  It was a beautiful moment.

Afterwards we went to a park and had a picnic. Later I took the kids to Pewit's Nest and we spent the day swimming.  As the day went on it was not as hard.  I had a great day with my kids and really tried to focus on the love that Brian and I had for each other.  I focused on the fact that I have these four great kids because of our love.  There were times throughout the day that it was unbelievably hard and others where it wasn't.  I don't love or miss Brian any less, but the times of desolate sadness are fewer.

As I continue to wind my way through widowhood I am finding that my path is becoming less treacherous, less windy.  There are fewer dark forests and more beautiful flowers.  I have discovered that there is sunshine behind the clouds. While I still walk this path of widowhood, and always will, it is becoming a path of wonderful memories.  I will forever be Brian's widow, and we walked a long path together, but the now path continues without him by my side.  Though he is no longer here, he will always be in my heart, and I intend to keep walking down this path of widowhood until one day I find him waiting for me at the end.

19 years...*sigh*

August 7, 2012...19 years.  That is how long we would have been married had Brian not died.  19 years.  Wow.  This is one of my last big "firsts".  The next one coming up is the anniversary of his death...after that, I am done with "firsts", well, at least the big ones like birthdays, holidays and anniversaries.  I'm sure along the way there will be more, but they will come and go.  The day before my anniversary I was a wreck.  I cried at everything.  As I was on my way home from an appointment I was near where my brother works.  I was again in tears and thought "I need a hug" so I stopped.  There was no one in the reception area so I texted him and told him I was there.  His response "why?".  Before I could answer he was standing in front of me and I was once again in tears.  I told him I needed to be with someone who knew me and he said to me with a smirk "and you thought of me?"  Even in the hardest times he picks on me, but he did make me laugh, just a little.....

The day of my anniversary I was in a better mood.  No tears, and I felt truly happy.  So, what did this widow do to mark the event?  I did several things....

I had my wedding band engraved with "You are my Heaven"  I believe that if Brian could say anything to me at this point, that is what it would be.  He loved me more than anyone else on this earth.  I was home for him.  I wear my ring on my right hand, above my Mother's ring with Brian's wedding band below.  Our children surrounded by the love and commitment of their parents.......

I had my engagement ring and the left over gold from Brian's wedding band made into an eternity pendant.  It is stunning and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  I have not worn my engagement ring for months and it feels good to have it on. His ashes are on the back of it, so he is close to my heart.....

I bought myself diamond earrings.....For years, every, and I mean EVERY, birthday, holiday, and anniversary Brian would ask me what I wanted.  My response was always the same: Diamond earrings.  In fact, I said it so much that this past Christmas one of the kids asked me what I wanted and another one yelled out "diamond earrings!"  I never got them.  Actually, he did go to buy them for me one time for our anniversary, however he ended up buying me a gorgeous set of blue zircon earrings and a matching necklace (and there are diamonds IN the set!).  He said that he kept going back and forth between the diamond earrings and this set and he couldn't resist the set.  He said that they were such a beautiful blue that he needed to get them for me.  They are indeed stunning and I love them to this day.

My favorite anniversary activity was that I got a tattoo.  Yep, a tattoo.  I had been wanting a memorial tattoo for a while, and finally decided on a design.  It is PERFECT!  I got it on the inside of my right wrist.  It is purple and says love.  The top part of the "L" forms a cancer ribbon and the rest of the "L" makes a heart.

It was a good day.  I cherished the memories of what Brian and I were together, and I created some memories of my own. I still miss him, that goes without saying, but I am happy, which is what he wanted for me. I celebrated his life and our marriage on that day, just me and it was an amazing day.
Happy Anniversary Brian,
Love, Me

Then and Now

7 years ago Brian and I decided to take every Thursday during the summer and do something fun with our kids.  One Thursday we decided to take them to Governor Dodge State Park for the day.  We visited a waterfall and then spent the day playing at the beach.  We had a picnic lunch.  I remember as we were pulling into the park we were talking about putting in an offer on a bigger house.  I was insisting....he was resisting....finally he sighed and said "Fine, we will put an offer in, but if I am getting an ulcer I'm blaming YOU!"  In hindsight this statement stays in my head like a nauseating, pounding headache that won't go away.  (We did put an offer in on the house, but thankfully didn't get it.)  That was the first time I remember Brian talking about having stomach problems.  That was our last summer of freedom from fear.  It was a time of great hope and planning for our future.  Our kids were so young, 5, 3, 1 and 2 months.  Our family was complete and our future looked bright....
 
Memorial Day weekend I took the kids camping at Governor Dodge State Park.  It is the first time we have been there in 7 years.  We went with my brother, sister-in-law and some of their friends.  I had never camped before I met Brian, and camping without him seems so.....wrong.  Another first...our first camping trip without him.  It was a bittersweet experience.  As we pulled into the park it was raining.  I quietly asked Brian to make it stop so that we didn't have to set up our tent in the rain.  Not only did it stop raining, but a beautiful rainbow appeared.







 I still love my husband so much, even now he is so amazing.  We had a really good time camping, though we all missed having Brian there.  We made S'mores, the kids played at the beach and the park and we visited the waterfall again.








The field just before the waterfall is full of purple flowers, purple being the color of pancreatic cancer, and this of course made me think of Brian and all we have been through. 


Camping was something that we loved to do together.  It is something that I hope to continue doing with our kids, making memories and honoring who their dad was at the same time.  I miss him and our family doesn't feel complete without him.  But we are moving forward and creating new memories.  He will forever be in our hearts as we continue down this path.

I want my Daddy!

I am not in this grieving thing alone.  I have these four beautiful kids that all have their dad's dark brown eyes surrounded by his long, dark eyelashes, that are right here with me in this grief.  They miss him terribly, and as time goes on they miss him more.  They have a range of emotions depending on the day, the kid and the moment.

My oldest, who is 12,  is angry.  She is mad that Brian is dead.  She is even mad at him because he died and left her.  She takes out her anger on the family and it is frustrating.  No matter how hard I try to be nice, she gets the best of me.  As I deal with my grief, her anger is often to much for me to bear.  I don't, CAN'T, blame her, as she has pointed out - at least I still HAVE a dad!

My second suffers from anxiety.  She was diagnosed with it over a year ago.  We tried many things to help her gain control, but none of them have worked.  She deals with her anxiety by pulling out her eyelashes.  She has done this for two years now.  She gets random tummy aches.  If one thing goes amiss as she is getting ready for school she starts running around the house like a chicken with her head cut off.

My third has no motivation at school.  He is SO smart, just like his dad, but often he just sits in class and does not get his work done.  His teacher has pointed out that if he would actually work on his schoolwork, he would be done before most of the class.  He bottles up his emotions and rarely cries about his dad.  There are times though when I can tell he is upset.  He will cry at the littlest thing, something that wouldn't normally even phase him.  It is in these moments that I know he is feeling the loss.  He has taken on the role of "mom comforter", when I am sad a teary eyed, he is right there telling me that he loves me and that I am going to be okay.

My youngest is a mixture of mad and sad.  She talks about how she was the ONLY child that didn't get to go hunting with her dad and how sad that makes her.  Her temper can flare in a moment.  She is often clingy and does not want to go places without me.

All of these things hit me so very hard.  It is hard enough to go through the loss of the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, but that grief is made deeper when you see your children hurting because their world no longer makes sense like it used to.  They miss their dad, they want him back.  They talk about him every day, and fortunately they remember the good times and seem to have forgotten most of the bad ones.  I would do anything for my kids.  I wish I could wrap them up in a big cozy blanket and rock them until the pain goes away, but this is a pain that will last them a lifetime.  It will come and go as life moves forward, and life continues to move forward, even though we often feel stuck.

We are quickly closing in on a year since Brian left us.  We spent Father's Day as a family.  We went to a movie, to a park to play and then out to dinner.  Later that night we sent balloons with messages on them to Heaven and made popcorn over a bonfire in the popper we got him for Father's Day last year.  It was a time for us to remember Brian, and as we get closer to "Angel Day" we are all starting to even out a little bit, which is a good thing.  We are enjoying our summer and having fun together.  It is what he would want for us.  We are traveling this winding path together as a family and as hard as it is, we will be stronger for it, all of us.

**I actually started writing this blog in March.  It was a hard one for me to write.  My children's pain is a sensitive subject for me because I want so badly to make it all better for them, but I can't.  All I can do is love them enough for both of us.....I do and I always will.**

Dating...ugggh!

By the time I am done writing this, I am pretty sure that I will feel as though I am standing in front of the world naked.  But this is an important one.  Not only for me to have this chance to admit that I am interested in dating, but also to help other widows know that IT IS OK to want to do this.  My husband died, I didn't.  I have had a significant loss, but I still have a life to live, and I want to spend it with someone that makes me happy.  I don't know who or where he is, but he is out there somewhere.....

Dating for me is like being in a foreign country and having no idea how to speak the language and no map to help get me where I want to go.  It is foreign territory, no question.  The last time I started a relationship I was 17, it wasn't a hard thing to do and it lasted for almost 25 years. The greatest gift Brian could have given me before he died was the knowledge that he wanted me to be happy.  He wanted me to find someone who would love me and our kids like he did, and he gave me the permission to do it and not feel guilty about it. I don't know if I would be where I am if he hadn't done that.

So, in this day and age, the thing to do is to be on a dating site, and I have to tell you there are a lot of scary people out there.....no, DO NOT call me HOTTIE...eeeew!  Anyway, a few weeks ago, the morning after I put up a profile on a dating site I had a message from someone who said: "Beautifully written, heart felt profile!  You must be an amazing woman!"  I looked at his profile and thought, "Wait, this guy is interested in ME?"  He was really good looking.....  We ended up messaging back and forth all day, and when I say all day, it was from 9:00 am to 11:30 pm and it was one of the best days I have had in a LONG time.  HE couldn't WAIT to talk to me, to meet me, and that felt good.  One of the things that he asked me in our conversation that day was how long I had been alone.  He didn't say single, he didn't say widowed, he said alone.  That question in itself made me feel as though he may actually have some understanding, and it impressed me.  I gave him the simple answer.  My husband died September 3, 2011.  But the real answer to that question is not as simple.

Brian fell in our room July 13, 2011, was transported by ambulance to the hospital, and he never came home again.  I just passed the one year mark of that day, and it was a hard day for me.  For 7 weeks before his death I was alone, running around crazy making sure he was ok and our kids were taken care of.  It was not an easy time.  Then there is the deeper answer to that question.  I have been emotionally alone for much longer.  I can't put a time frame on that, but I can remember thinking a year before Brian died "Will I ever be happy again?"  That is hard to admit.  I was hoping at the time that we would be able to finally get rid of his cancer and I would be happy with him, but that was not to be.  So much of our lives were spent dealing with his cancer and pain that we lost some of what we were.  He did his best to be there for me, but I was often put last, behind everyone else, while at the same time I put everyone else first.  I crave that communication and intimacy that I haven't had for so long.  I miss those things the most.

When I finally met this guy, he was so much better looking in person than he was in his pictures that I was actually intimidated by that fact.  Unfortunately, the story does not have a happy ending, at least not the ending I was hoping for, and I will likely never see him again.  Like I said, dating is foreign to me and I made some mistakes.  Some small, others not so small and one huge, ugly one.  When I told my closest friends what I had done, they looked at me and said "You?  Really?  I don't see you doing that....."  While I am sure you are all curious as to what this faux-pas was, I am not going to tell you (though I can honestly say that it did NOT include breakfast the next morning!).  Suffice it to say it was NOT my shining hour.....but it was something that is so COMPLETELY out of my character that I can't believe I did it.  The worst part about it is that I gave him the impression that I am someone I am not, and there is nothing I can do to fix it.  I am a fixer, and it drives me crazy to know that he has this impression of who I am that is so completely not me.

I talked with another widow the other night about the whole situation and she had some very good points.  First she pointed out that as widows this is all new to us.  We will make mistakes and unfortunately we may not know it was a mistake until we have made it.  Her view is that if we are with the right person, they will talk to us about those mistakes realizing that we are in uncharted territory, and not hold it against us.  I guess I didn't have the right guy....

There was a spark, and I tried too hard to fan the flame and instead I put it out.  My friends tell me that he isn't worth another thought, that he does not know the real me and that it is his loss.  Friends are supposed to say those kinds of things, and I know they mean it, so why does it feel like I am losing?  It feels like I am losing because there really did seem to be something genuine there.  I am a strong woman, and he didn't like that.  What he doesn't understand is that I HAVE to be strong.  I have had to be strong since Feb 14, 2006, the day we were told that Brian had a tumor that was most likely pancreatic cancer.  I have four kids to take care of by myself.  I have to be strong every day otherwise I will get caught in the undertow and get whisked back to Widow Island before I know what happened.  I am NOT going back to Widow Island, at least not for an extended stay.  I don't know if the fact that I know what I want and I was willing to work for it scared him away or that he saw something in me that HE wanted and it scared him away, but either way he is gone.  Maybe my friends are right, he isn't worth another thought, but it just isn't that easy.  He was the first guy I went out with in over 25 years, and it felt like there was the potential for something real.  That is what I can not get out of my head.  Of course now I am left wondering if ANY of it was real.  Ugggh! Dating!  It is going to be a very twisty path, and I'm pretty sure I will lose my balance and fall more than once, I just hope I find that guy who is willing to pick me back up......

Escape from Widow Island

I made it!  I escaped from Widow Island!  I swam like crazy and made it to the main land.  How did this happen?  There were a few things that I know contributed to my escape.  One day I woke up and as I sat on my couch crying I realized that if I had a choice, I would rather be with Brian than with my kids.  That was a very painful realization.  Let me qualify this....I am not saying that I wanted to die or was in any way suicidal...I was (am) NOT.  I just missed Brian SO much, so desperately, that I wanted to be with him.    I have four kids that need me whom I love with all of my heart, and they deserve to have a parent that is here for them.  So, with this epiphany I decided to do something for myself and started taking the anti-depressants that were prescribed for me before Brian died.  They have made a world of difference.  I was afraid that they would mask the pain, put it off somehow.  I was worried that when I decide it is time to stop taking them that my world and all of my grief is going to come crashing down on me and not only will I be thrown back to Widow Island, I will probably drown on the way there.  I needed to take the chance though, and I am glad I did.  I still cry and have down days, but they aren't quite as "down" and they are easier to recover from.

Another BIG thing that I did for myself was to go to Camp Widow in Myrtle Beach, SC.  It was one of the BEST things that I could have ever done.  I have a lot of support here at home, from family, friends and my community, but no matter how hard they try, they don't get it.  (This is NOT a criticism, and I hope that not one of them ever "gets it" until they are old.  Being widowed sucks and it is not something I would wish on ANYONE!)  The best part of Camp Widow was that everyone there GETS IT!  They were all widowed, they know the deep pain that being widowed brings.  I was surrounded by people that lost the love of their life.  I took classes on parenting grieving children, the "new" me, and even on dating (yes, dating...which I have to admit feels a LOT like being in a foreign country and not knowing the language.  I haven't had a first date in over 25 years!)  I wrote Brian a note on a piece of paper and wrapped it around a recycled glass heart (recycled because love never dies!) and threw it into the ocean.  Talk about powerful!  I swam in the ocean and met people that I have "talked" with online.  In those few short days I made friendships that I know will last a lifetime.  It was an incredibly amazing experience, and I am planning on going to Camp Widow West in August.  San Diego, here I come!

There were a couple of other things that happened too that changed my outlook.  Maybe someday I will write about them, but for now I'm going to keep those to myself......Suffice it to say that they were experiences that made me realize that I want some things to change in my life.

How has my escape from Widow Island changed things?  I have more energy, when someone asks me how I am doing I can say "I'm good" and mean it.  I am working on getting my house in order, one room at a time.  I am starting with my bedroom and master bath.  I'm taking my bathroom from Ugggh! to Ahhhh!  I have ordered new carpet for my bedroom and I am recovering a chair and ottoman that is so very comfy.  I am creating a retreat for myself and hopefully in the next few weeks it will be done.  Next, I will paint the kitchen.....Things to keep me busy, but also things that will give me peace and make me happy.  Now, if only I could get my kids to help me clean, that would make me REALLY happy!  I'm also thinking of training to do a 5k....I don't run, heck, I don't even work out!  I want to do something that will make me proud of myself.  Not only do I want to feel comfortable in my home, I want to feel comfortable in my skin.

I can still see Widow Island clearly, it has not been forgotten and I am sure that at one point in the near future I will be whisked back there in a massive storm, but for now I am enjoying my life as it is.  I am exploring new paths through widowhood and embracing who I am right now.  This is a time of change, and will be for a long time, but hopefully this good feeling, this feeling of NORMAL will last.  I deserve to be happy, content.....loved, and that all starts with me.

Gratitude List

I have been cleaning out my closet and our dressers, not an easy job in any situation, but this time it makes my heart hurt.  I am doing what I need to do to make my room mine.  Brian was the kind of guy that really didn't care WHAT his room looked like, so for the most part it is decorated the way I want it anyway, I'm just working on cleaning it and making it truly my haven.  As I was cleaning I found a journal that Brian used to write in.  In the journal was this Gratitude List and I feel like it is the right thing to do to share it:

I (Brian) am grateful for:
My wife for pulling me out of the dark when I start to give up.
My kids for making me want to live more, love more.
My in-laws for never being negative, always positive and caring and seeing the frustration in our lives.
My mom for making our life easier.
Friends for caring and doing what's needed.
Strangers for helping and changing me, our family.

I (Sheryl) am grateful for:
Having had the love and life that I did with Brian.
My kids for making me smile and see that life goes on after loss.
My parents and siblings (their spouses too!) for loving me the way they do and taking such good care of me.
My mother in law for loving my kids the way she does and giving me an occasional break from parenthood.
My friends who have been amazing throughout the many ups and downs of my moods.
Strangers for saying something nice or bringing us a meal "just because".

Overall, I am grateful that I finally FEEL like cleaning my room and making it mine.  As I continue to clean my room, closet, and dressers I know I will find many treasures.  Some will remind me of a funny moment and others that will make me cry because of my loss.

Whether you are family, friend or stranger, thank you for being a part of my life.  Thank you for walking with me down this winding path of widowhood.

Cherry Pie Filling

Even now, when I am in the grocery store I will grab things that I know (knew) Brian would eat.  Because of his Whipple surgery, the man could eat pretty much anything and not gain any weight.  In fact, he had to eat a LOT of food just to keep his weight on!  He always considered eating his second job.  The other day I was shopping and I grabbed a can of cherry pie filling.  Brian LOVED cherry pie filling.  I would go to bed at night and wake up the next morning to an empty can with a spoon in it on the counter.  I always made sure we had at least one can in the cupboard at all times in case he got a craving.....

So, I grabbed a can of cherry pie filling, not really thinking about it.  Then I grabbed whipped cream......  Last night, after dinner I spooned a bowlful for each one of us for dessert.  As we ate our cherry pie filling we each went around the table and told a funny story about dad.  Hannah told about the time Brian tied her to a tree with a doughnut tied around her neck and peanut butter on her nose (she was "bear bait"), he was making a video for his friend who he was going to go bear hunting with.  We still have the video and it is really funny.  Abbie (who pulls her eyelashes) told about the time Brian told her that whenever she thinks about pulling an eyelash that she should think about pulling a hair on his butt.  Then he mimicked what his reaction would be if she did that.  She still laughs about when she thinks about him saying that.  Tucker told a story about Brian trying to get the kids to do something while they were watching tv.  When he couldn't get their attention, he stood in front of the tv dancing in his underwear.  Genevieve laughed as she told about a picture she had seen of Brian in bed with his bike (he had my baby blanket on top of the bike, which was the real joke there, since I was in my 20's and still slept with it!) 

I told the kids about a time that my brother and I went to a race with Brian in Arkansas.  We were bored, and our hotel was across the street from a mall, so we went shopping.  We bought a Nerf basketball hoop that had suction cups to attach it to the door.  On our way home, my brother was driving and Brian and I were sitting in the back seat of the car.  Brian took that basketball hoop, stuck it to his forehead and proceeded to bobble his head up and down while saying "Look, it's a moving basketball hoop!"  He looked so ridiculous that I tried to pull the hoop off of his head.  Well, he had it firmly suctioned on there, so when it finally came off he had a 2+ inch purple circle right in the middle of his forehead!  That circle stayed for days!  I felt bad for trying to pull it off, but it was funny!

Cherry pie filling, a sweet treat that created a wonderful family moment and warm memories of the man we all love and miss so very much.

April Fools!

How I wish I could have woken up this morning to my husband's smiling face as he said to me "April Fools!  That was a good one, huh?"  Didn't happen and isn't likely to.....

One year on April Fools, when I was pregnant with our second baby I thought I would play a joke on him.  Twins run in his family, his paternal grandmother was a twin and the pattern was that every 3rd generation had twins, that was our generation.  I had been to my doctor the day before for a routine check-up.  I told Brian as we were watching TV that my growth hormones were double what they should be.  I'm of course thinking that he is going to think twins.....instead he got up and walked into the kitchen.  I followed him a few minutes later to find him crying at the sink.  My first thought was, "Wow, would twins be that bad?"  Like I said, in my mind he would hear that my numbers were double and think twins, however, I did not take into account that there are OTHER things that can inflate that number.  Brian, being the doctor that he was heard that number was high and instantly thought CANCER.  He was crying because he was afraid that I had cancer.  He was afraid for me and our baby.  Ironic, isn't it.  He loved me so much that the mere THOUGHT of me being sick put him instantly in tears.  That was my Brian....He loved (((loves))) me.....

Of course, he got me back.....it wasn't April fools day....it was a few days later, but he got me back.  As I was getting ready for work he yelled upstairs in a panicked voice "Sheryl!  A hawk swooped down and got Chloe!"  Chloe was one of our dogs, a Keeshond.  Not a small dog, but not huge either.  Here I am pregnant, running down the stairs yelling for him to do something.  He was laughing hysterically.  Yep, I should have thought that one through......Chloe was much to big to be carried off by a hawk, duh!  There was that wicked sense of humor shining bright, and his smile lighting up his face.  That was my Brian....I loved (((love))) him.....

He was here.....

The other day I picked up a picture that was on my closet floor, it was a picture of Brian holding Tucker when he was a baby.  We were at my uncles farm looking at his horses.

 I looked at this picture and the thought "He was here...." popped into my head.  That thought brought tears to my eyes "He was here....". 

Yesterday Abbie came running into the house asking for the video camera.  When I asked her what she needed it for she excitedly said "Genevieve is learning to ride a two-wheeler!  Mama, she is SO CUTE!!" 

That was a moment that almost brought me to my knees.  Brian was such an avid biker and last summer he desperately wanted Genevieve to learn to ride, but she was afraid.  It really hurts that he is not here to see her ride with no training wheels and that he is not here to teach her.  He would have been so excited and happy.  He should be here! 

Last week Abbie had her first strings concert.  She videotaped herself beforehand saying how sad she was that dad isn't here to see her first concert. 

As I sat in the audience I thought, Brian was here with us last year at this concert for Hannah.  He wasn't feeling well, but there was no way he was going to miss it. 

About this time last year he went on a field trip to Upham Woods with Hannah, they had a great time together and he talked about how he wanted to go with the rest of the kids. He was here......

We are starting to get used to him not being here, to life as a family of five instead of the six we are supposed to be.  I miss him, the kids miss him.  He was here....but he is not here anymore.  Sometimes I get a sense that he is with me.  I get a tingling sensation, most of the time it is on my face, either my nose, cheek or lips.  Lately though, I will all of a sudden realize that the tip of my right index finger is numb and tingly.  The tip itself will be white and it feels and looks as though it is being pinched.  Is he here?  That is my belief.  The last time the finger thing happened I told him I was glad he was here, but could he please do something that didn't hurt?  The next thing I knew, my finger was fine and I felt soft tingles on the side of my lip.  Kisses from Heaven.  He was here.......

Rewind!

I wish there was a rewind button for life.  If there was, what would you do with it?  I know what  I would do with mine!  There must be a rewind button somewhere, because someone has pushed it for me.  They didn't take me back as far as I'd like to go, instead, I have somehow been thrown right back into the throes of horrible grief.  The kind that weighs me down and renders me motionless.  The kind that gives me anxiety attacks.  My eyes sting from crying so much and I am exhausted.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I feel the way I felt shortly after Brian died. It has been 6 1/2 months!  Well, 6 months and 18 days to be exact, and over 8 months since he has actually been in our home. 

I was feeling BETTER!  I was laughing and having fun.  Now, I feel as though I have been slammed into a brick wall and I am so battered from the blow that I can not move.  Thankfully I have the support and friendship of other widows that have walked this winding path of widowhood ahead of me.  Because of the friendships I have with other widows, I know that this is not an uncommon phenomenon, in fact, it would be more uncommon if I DIDN'T feel this way!  I also know, from spending time with them that this feeling won't last.  My winding path through widowhood has taken an unexpected, and VERY unwelcome turn into a deep, dark, scary forest.  I know that as I keep meandering at what feels like a snails pace that I will come to a clearing and there will be sun and flowers.  I know it is up ahead waiting for me, I just have to keep moving forward so that I can get there.

For today though, I miss my Brian.  I miss my husband and best friend.  I yearn for him, to hear his voice and feel his touch, to see him smile, and on days like this it feels like I will never be able to make it through the next 40 or so years without him.  I just have to make my way through this dark forest, into the clearing, and believe me, I will.

Widow Island

Widow Island, it is a lonely and desolate place.  I am stuck on Widow Island and the terrain here is rocky and unfamiliar.  You would think that after 6 months I would know my way around a little better.  I don't.  In fact, it has only been recently that I have dared to venture out of the shelter I have made for myself here.  Even now I wander around this unfamiliar place and wonder "How did I get here?  What just happened to me?  Where is my life?"  There is no place safe here, no place to hide.  Brian was my safe place.  Even in the worst of times he could wrap his arms around me and I could find at least a little comfort.

The weather on Widow Island can go from sunny to thunderstorms in an instant.  As I venture out of my shelter more, I am able to see the sun.  On bright days I can even see the mainland.  The mainland where life is as it used to be, there is safety and comfort there.  I want off of this island, I want to be back on the mainland, but try as I might, I can't get there.  Maybe I can get there, all I have to do is swim, right?  So in I go, on a sunny day and start swimming toward the mainland, toward a normal life, to my safe place.  Then, out of nowhere a thunderstorm comes in and I am being forced back to Widow Island by the crashing waves. I feel as though my body is being ripped to shreds by the sharp, jagged rocks as I am pushed back.  I hurt everywhere.  Each bolt of lightening pierces my heart and every boom of thunder rocks me to the core.  I remember that my safe place is gone and I am again on my knees, crying in the thunderstorm, unable to stand from the weight of my grief.

Sometimes the sun comes out warm and bright for several days in a row and I think "The mainland looks closer today...." but I am not ready to try to swim towards it yet because I KNOW that there is a thunderstorm on the horizon.  Some day there will be more sunny days and less chance of thunderstorms.  Maybe then I will be able to make it past the waves and the sharp, jagged rocks and into the calm water.  I will be able to make it to the mainland, but life will never be as it used to be.  There will be safety and comfort, but my Brian will never again be there.  I know that even once I make it to the mainland there will be times when I will be carried off in a hurricane and deposited right back onto Widow Island.  Hopefully by then I will know my way around a little better and the swim home won't be as treacherous. 

Gossip.....

I love where I live.  I love the people here and feel so lucky to have made the friends here that I have.  I am fortunate that so many people here have gone out of their way to do something caring for me in my kids, whether it is a neighbor shoveling my sidewalk or someone bringing us dinner.  But sometimes it is hard to live in a small community, especially when you are someone that had an active role within that community.  Brian was that active person, and so many people knew him or at least knew of him here.  Being in that "public eye" isn't always easy, and it is amazing to me the things that I have learned about myself through the gossip of others......

A friend of mine told me one day that she had been on the phone with someone who knew me.  That person referred to me as "the devil"....really?  Me?  The devil?  Of course, my friend wouldn't tell me at that time WHO had said it, so here I am walking around my small community looking at people and wondering if THAT person thinks I'm the devil?  It is NOT a good feeling......Later my friend told me who said it, and it came from someone I never would have expected, someone with the capability to really hurt me, and this comment succeeded in doing just that.  The worst part about this situation is that this person got "misinformation" and by that I mean she was basing her anger towards me on something that she had been told that was completely untrue.  She had heard that I asked a local organization for money so that I could buy coats and boots for my kids.  Mmmmm, no, not even close to the truth, but instead of coming to me and asking about it she chose to believe the lies that were being told. 

I learned today from another good friend of mine (who had heard this from her neighbor) that I am "shopping" for a husband.  Apparently I have a goal of being married in the next year so I am working towards that.  Oh by the way, I am also looking for someone who makes a lot of money.  Huh?  Okay then......For anyone reading this I am NOT looking for a new husband, shoot, I'm not even looking for a DATE!  Now, don't get me wrong, if the opportunity presents itself to go out, I might just do that, but often the thought of dating gives me an anxiety attack.  I do hope that SOMEDAY I will find someone who is able to fill Brian's very big shoes, but that day is not today, and probably not any time soon.

Gossip.  With just these two situations (and I am guessing there are more out there) I am being portrayed as a lying, selfish person with a helping of promiscuity and gold digging on the side.  Yep, that sounds like me...NOT!!  I don't know how these things get started, but it only takes one person to say something untrue and in a small town that spreads like wild fire.  It is frustrating.

For those of you in my community that hear these things, thank you for not believing them.  I will admit though, that gossip hurts and now that my widow bubble is starting to fade away those rumors hit a little bit harder.  Unfortunately, gossip won't go away and I will just have to try and shrug off those untruths as best I can.  In the mean time, I will just continue to be me and continue down my path of healing.  I guess gossip is just one more fork in the winding road of widowhood that I will have to deal with.  Rats!

Goodbye Winnie

Sometimes grief takes on a new shape.  Just when you think you can not handle one more thing, that one more thing comes along and has to be dealt with.  Then your grief expands to let in this new sadness.  I think my grief is about as full as it can get at this point.

Today I had another first, though one that was not something I had previously thought of, and it was a first that ripped my heart in two.  I had to put our oldest cat Winnie down today.  Though Brian and I had cats our entire lives together, I never had to put one down.  Brian always did it.  Mello (his from before we even lived together), BooBoo a little black kitty that we got when we first moved to Iowa.  I was so depressed living in Iowa that Brian looked at me one day and said "Let's go get you a kitten", we came home with this little black bundle of fur.  She didn't really like Brian for some reason, but when she got sick he took her to the vet and held her until she was gone.  Then our favorite cat, Fred.  He definitely belonged to both of us, he never picked sides.  Fred was the most awesome orange cat ever.  He originally belonged to our two very young next door neighbors in Iowa.  I actually almost stole him once, no lie, because he was SO cute!  One day Brian woke up and realized our neighbors were moving out!  WooHoo!  No more loud parties and stupid kids peeing in our yard!  Then the youngest of the sisters came over and asked if we could keep their cat.  She said if we didn't take him she would just have to let him go, well, it was December and there was snow on the ground, so we added one more cat to our home.  When Brian was sick he would lay with him for hours.  If Brian moved from the couch to the bed, Fred would follow.  It broke our hearts when we had to put him down.  Again, Brian held him until he was gone.  Today it was my turn.

Like BooBoo and Fred, Winnie was an Iowa cat.  I had stopped at a pet store to look at something on my way home from work one day and here was this adorable little long haired calico kitten.  She was so cute that I called Brian from the store and asked him if I could bring her home.  He said no, we had enough cats.  I was pretty disappointed and I talked about her for the next several days.  One day I got home from work and immediately got a phone call.  I was walking all through the house as I talked and finally Brian said "Sheryl, turn around!"  I turned around and here was this little kitten following me.  He had gone and gotten her for me.  She was definitely my cat, though she also loved Brian.  She would sleep between our pillows and Brian would always complain that he got the butt every time.  She would give me little mini-massages as I went to sleep.  So, today I had to put my little kitty down, and it was so hard.  I held her until she fell asleep and I cried wondering if I was making the right choice.  I know I did, but that didn't make it any easier.

Before I had this done I talked to Brian and told him that Winnie was coming and that he needed to be ready for her.  I told Winnie to give Brian extra love for me.  My theory is that Winnie fell asleep in my arms and woke up in Brian's.  That thought makes me smile.