Rewind!

I wish there was a rewind button for life.  If there was, what would you do with it?  I know what  I would do with mine!  There must be a rewind button somewhere, because someone has pushed it for me.  They didn't take me back as far as I'd like to go, instead, I have somehow been thrown right back into the throes of horrible grief.  The kind that weighs me down and renders me motionless.  The kind that gives me anxiety attacks.  My eyes sting from crying so much and I am exhausted.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I feel the way I felt shortly after Brian died. It has been 6 1/2 months!  Well, 6 months and 18 days to be exact, and over 8 months since he has actually been in our home. 

I was feeling BETTER!  I was laughing and having fun.  Now, I feel as though I have been slammed into a brick wall and I am so battered from the blow that I can not move.  Thankfully I have the support and friendship of other widows that have walked this winding path of widowhood ahead of me.  Because of the friendships I have with other widows, I know that this is not an uncommon phenomenon, in fact, it would be more uncommon if I DIDN'T feel this way!  I also know, from spending time with them that this feeling won't last.  My winding path through widowhood has taken an unexpected, and VERY unwelcome turn into a deep, dark, scary forest.  I know that as I keep meandering at what feels like a snails pace that I will come to a clearing and there will be sun and flowers.  I know it is up ahead waiting for me, I just have to keep moving forward so that I can get there.

For today though, I miss my Brian.  I miss my husband and best friend.  I yearn for him, to hear his voice and feel his touch, to see him smile, and on days like this it feels like I will never be able to make it through the next 40 or so years without him.  I just have to make my way through this dark forest, into the clearing, and believe me, I will.