September 3, 2012...
It has been one year since Brian died. One year since I held him as he took his last breaths. A whole year....and I survived it. I have to admit, I'm not sure HOW I survived, but I did.
I was worried about how I was going to handle this day, Angel Day. Worried (and hoping) that the anticipation of the impending "sadiversary" would be worse than the actual day....I was wrong. The time hit midnight and the tears started flowing. I couldn't stop them. I texted one of my best widow friends at 2:00 a.m. and the next morning cried to her, because I know she gets it.
So, what did we do to celebrate Brian's life on this day? As a family we went to my family farm and walked to the place he loved to hunt the most. The place where he shot his first buck, the spot where he and my dad shot three turkeys with two shots, the area where he sighted in his new rifle and cut down a tree with it. We took some of his ashes and each said something as we spread them. I was first....and last to do it. I told him that he would always be in my heart. I took the last of the ashes and whipped them into the air in an arc and watched them fall to the Earth. It was a beautiful moment.
Afterwards we went to a park and had a picnic. Later I took the kids to Pewit's Nest and we spent the day swimming. As the day went on it was not as hard. I had a great day with my kids and really tried to focus on the love that Brian and I had for each other. I focused on the fact that I have these four great kids because of our love. There were times throughout the day that it was unbelievably hard and others where it wasn't. I don't love or miss Brian any less, but the times of desolate sadness are fewer.
As I continue to wind my way through widowhood I am finding that my path is becoming less treacherous, less windy. There are fewer dark forests and more beautiful flowers. I have discovered that there is sunshine behind the clouds. While I still walk this path of widowhood, and always will, it is becoming a path of wonderful memories. I will forever be Brian's widow, and we walked a long path together, but the now path continues without him by my side. Though he is no longer here, he will always be in my heart, and I intend to keep walking down this path of widowhood until one day I find him waiting for me at the end.
It has been one year since Brian died. One year since I held him as he took his last breaths. A whole year....and I survived it. I have to admit, I'm not sure HOW I survived, but I did.
I was worried about how I was going to handle this day, Angel Day. Worried (and hoping) that the anticipation of the impending "sadiversary" would be worse than the actual day....I was wrong. The time hit midnight and the tears started flowing. I couldn't stop them. I texted one of my best widow friends at 2:00 a.m. and the next morning cried to her, because I know she gets it.
So, what did we do to celebrate Brian's life on this day? As a family we went to my family farm and walked to the place he loved to hunt the most. The place where he shot his first buck, the spot where he and my dad shot three turkeys with two shots, the area where he sighted in his new rifle and cut down a tree with it. We took some of his ashes and each said something as we spread them. I was first....and last to do it. I told him that he would always be in my heart. I took the last of the ashes and whipped them into the air in an arc and watched them fall to the Earth. It was a beautiful moment.
Afterwards we went to a park and had a picnic. Later I took the kids to Pewit's Nest and we spent the day swimming. As the day went on it was not as hard. I had a great day with my kids and really tried to focus on the love that Brian and I had for each other. I focused on the fact that I have these four great kids because of our love. There were times throughout the day that it was unbelievably hard and others where it wasn't. I don't love or miss Brian any less, but the times of desolate sadness are fewer.
As I continue to wind my way through widowhood I am finding that my path is becoming less treacherous, less windy. There are fewer dark forests and more beautiful flowers. I have discovered that there is sunshine behind the clouds. While I still walk this path of widowhood, and always will, it is becoming a path of wonderful memories. I will forever be Brian's widow, and we walked a long path together, but the now path continues without him by my side. Though he is no longer here, he will always be in my heart, and I intend to keep walking down this path of widowhood until one day I find him waiting for me at the end.
