December 29, 2013... The kids had a good Christmas... I cried. The kids are enjoying their break... I am curled up in my bed, crying. New Years Eve is coming... I am dreading it... and crying in advance. I am apparently back in the throes of grief. I am missing my life and feeling terribly alone. People like to remind me that I have my kids, they tell me I should focus on them... that they love me, which is true... but the love of my children does not fill the hole in my heart.
The New Year brings the promise of new beginnings... and in the beginning of this year I was deliriously happy with the direction my life was taking... I had a new man in my life and there was instant chemistry, I was once again in love... but as time went on I discovered that he was not what he seemed. Sadly, he created another hole in my heart... As the new year approaches I am viewing it with dread. I don't see the promise of new beginnings. I WANT a new beginning... judge me all you want... but this is honesty speaking... I WANT a man in my life. The RIGHT man. Brian gave me the gift of a complete love. He gave me the gift of telling me that he wanted me to be happy after he died, that it is OK for me to love someone else. I want that complete love again. I miss it, and I know full well that new love does not replace the love I have for Brian, but instead adds to the beauty of my life.
Don't get me wrong... I have beauty in my life. I love my kids to the moon and back. I have GREAT friends that have listened to my drama over and over and over... many of whom are widows as well so they GET me. I have a supportive family that sticks with me through thick and thin. All of these people in my life are amazing... but they don't fill that hole, and for some reason right now that hole feels deeper and more raw.
I know from experience that grief is clouding my vision... sooner or later the cloud will lift and I will see the possibilities that 2014 will bring. For now though I have come to a dark forest on the winding path of widowhood. I will eventually emerge from the forest and see the beauty and the possibilites... and who knows? Maybe there will be that perfect man standing in the sunlight just waiting for me... ;)
