I made it! I escaped from Widow Island! I swam like crazy and made it to the main land. How did this happen? There were a few things that I know contributed to my escape. One day I woke up and as I sat on my couch crying I realized that if I had a choice, I would rather be with Brian than with my kids. That was a very painful realization. Let me qualify this....I am not saying that I wanted to die or was in any way suicidal...I was (am) NOT. I just missed Brian SO much, so desperately, that I wanted to be with him. I have four kids that need me whom I love with all of my heart, and they deserve to have a parent that is here for them. So, with this epiphany I decided to do something for myself and started taking the anti-depressants that were prescribed for me before Brian died. They have made a world of difference. I was afraid that they would mask the pain, put it off somehow. I was worried that when I decide it is time to stop taking them that my world and all of my grief is going to come crashing down on me and not only will I be thrown back to Widow Island, I will probably drown on the way there. I needed to take the chance though, and I am glad I did. I still cry and have down days, but they aren't quite as "down" and they are easier to recover from.
Another BIG thing that I did for myself was to go to Camp Widow in Myrtle Beach, SC. It was one of the BEST things that I could have ever done. I have a lot of support here at home, from family, friends and my community, but no matter how hard they try, they don't get it. (This is NOT a criticism, and I hope that not one of them ever "gets it" until they are old. Being widowed sucks and it is not something I would wish on ANYONE!) The best part of Camp Widow was that everyone there GETS IT! They were all widowed, they know the deep pain that being widowed brings. I was surrounded by people that lost the love of their life. I took classes on parenting grieving children, the "new" me, and even on dating (yes, dating...which I have to admit feels a LOT like being in a foreign country and not knowing the language. I haven't had a first date in over 25 years!) I wrote Brian a note on a piece of paper and wrapped it around a recycled glass heart (recycled because love never dies!) and threw it into the ocean. Talk about powerful! I swam in the ocean and met people that I have "talked" with online. In those few short days I made friendships that I know will last a lifetime. It was an incredibly amazing experience, and I am planning on going to Camp Widow West in August. San Diego, here I come!
There were a couple of other things that happened too that changed my outlook. Maybe someday I will write about them, but for now I'm going to keep those to myself......Suffice it to say that they were experiences that made me realize that I want some things to change in my life.
How has my escape from Widow Island changed things? I have more energy, when someone asks me how I am doing I can say "I'm good" and mean it. I am working on getting my house in order, one room at a time. I am starting with my bedroom and master bath. I'm taking my bathroom from Ugggh! to Ahhhh! I have ordered new carpet for my bedroom and I am recovering a chair and ottoman that is so very comfy. I am creating a retreat for myself and hopefully in the next few weeks it will be done. Next, I will paint the kitchen.....Things to keep me busy, but also things that will give me peace and make me happy. Now, if only I could get my kids to help me clean, that would make me REALLY happy! I'm also thinking of training to do a 5k....I don't run, heck, I don't even work out! I want to do something that will make me proud of myself. Not only do I want to feel comfortable in my home, I want to feel comfortable in my skin.
I can still see Widow Island clearly, it has not been forgotten and I am sure that at one point in the near future I will be whisked back there in a massive storm, but for now I am enjoying my life as it is. I am exploring new paths through widowhood and embracing who I am right now. This is a time of change, and will be for a long time, but hopefully this good feeling, this feeling of NORMAL will last. I deserve to be happy, content.....loved, and that all starts with me.
