Is it over yet?

December 29, 2013... The kids had a good Christmas... I cried.  The kids are enjoying their break... I am curled up in my bed, crying.  New Years Eve is coming... I am dreading it... and crying in advance.  I am apparently back in the throes of grief.  I am missing my life and feeling terribly alone. People like to remind me that I have my kids, they tell me I should focus on them... that they love me, which is true... but the love of my children does not fill the hole in my heart.

The New Year brings the promise of new beginnings... and in the beginning of this year I was deliriously happy with the direction my life was taking... I had a new man in my life and there was instant chemistry, I was once again in love... but as time went on I discovered that he was not what he seemed.  Sadly, he created another hole in my heart... As the new year approaches I am viewing it with dread.  I don't see the promise of new beginnings. I WANT a new beginning... judge me all you want... but this is honesty speaking... I WANT a man in my life.  The RIGHT man.  Brian gave me the gift of a complete love.  He gave me the gift of telling me that he wanted me to be happy after he died,  that it is OK for me to love someone else.  I want that complete love again.  I miss it, and I know full well that new love does not replace the love I have for Brian, but instead adds to the beauty of my life.

Don't get me wrong... I have beauty in my life.  I love my kids to the moon and back.  I have GREAT friends that have listened to my drama over and over and over...  many of whom are widows as well so they GET me.  I have a supportive family that sticks with me through thick and thin.  All of these people in my life are amazing... but they don't fill that hole, and for some reason right now that hole feels deeper and more raw. 

I know from experience that grief is clouding my vision... sooner or later the cloud will lift and I will see the possibilities that 2014 will bring.  For now though I have come to a dark forest on the winding path of widowhood.  I will eventually emerge from the forest and see the beauty and the possibilites... and who knows? Maybe there will be that perfect man standing in the sunlight just waiting for me... ;)

That song....

It has been 18 months since Brian died.  A year and a half....I am amazed at how far I have come and how much I have changed in that amount of time.  I no longer cry all the time and I don't feel "raw" anymore.  I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me and my kids.  I am happy.  Does all of this mean that I am "healed" or that I am no longer grieving?  No.  Even now there are still those moments that make me freeze and bring instant tears to my eyes.  This morning was one of those moments.

I walked into my room and the song playing on the radio was Nicklebacks "Far Away" and that song ALWAYS makes me cry.  The lyrics of this song cut deep and grab my heart. 

Some think that because I have a new love in my life that instances like hearing a song shouldn't affect me the way it does.  I will be the first to tell you that new love does not replace the old, it does not replace the loss.  It is an amazing addition to my life and it is clear that the ability to love another so completely is a natural thing.

New love though does not take away all of the widow moments.  Thankfully I have a man in my life that is not threatened by my love for Brian.  I have a man that holds me through my tears and even cries with me sometimes.  This morning while that song played he held me tight....he loved me through the moment.

Later this afternoon, while I was out and about, another song came on the radio.  This one is also one that grabs my heart, because it is the song that Victor sent to me one day.  It is the song that he says portrays exactly how he feels about me and about us, Jason Mraz "I won't Give Up". 

This time, instead of tears I smiled and I thought about how lucky I am to have had the love of not one, but two wonderful men in my life.  How I am so thankful to have the chance to love and be loved again.  I thought about how while I am and will always be Brian's widow, I now have a new title....Vic's girl...and I love that....

It just....IS

I was ready to give up....this whole dating thing wasn't going my way.  I was meeting people, some I even thought had the possibility of becoming someone important in our lives, but it wasn't happening.  I decided to do what all of my friends were suggesting...just date and have fun, stop looking for the next love of my life.

The funny thing is, when I stopped looking I found him. His name is Victor.

I saw this man's profile and thought "Woah! He's new on here and CUTE!"  Now, my experience had been that anyone I was interested in was not interested in me, BUT, I was in a sassy mood that day so I took a chance.....I sent him a quick note...."Can I just say....WOW! ....Nuff said....."  You see, this guy was attractive and a bodybuilder, WAY out of my comfort zone.  I never imagined that he would respond to me....but he did....in all of three minutes!  We spent that whole day messaging back and forth.  We messaged and texted for about a week and a half, and he kept saying that he'd like to meet me but then would back off.  Finally one day I asked if he really wanted to meet me, he sounded surprised and said emphatically "Yes!"  I told him that he had better ask me out then....and he did....

We met for a drink (and when I say drink I mean diet cokes, LOL!) on a Sunday afternoon, went for a short walk and then (hold on to your seats) went to Walmart because I had errands to do.  Romantic, huh?  On the way back to his place he looked at me and asked "So, what are the chances of me seeing you again?" Wait!  Did he just ask me that?  THAT'S a first!  My response?  "What are the chances you'd LIKE to see me again?"  His reply "100%, that's why I asked!"

The next day his car broke down so I gave him a ride to the gym, the day after that he went with me to do errands again (I know, so very romantic, but hey....I am an only parent of four and I have to get my errands done while they are in school!) and the next day, Dec. 5th, he went with me to the Dells to get a kitten.  We talked the whole time.  It was Tucker's birthday and I broke the biggest rule I had made for myself when it came to dating (not introducing anyone to my kids until I knew they were going to stick around)....I invited him over for dinner.

It got late and I didn't want to leave the kids to take him home, so he slept on my couch that night.....and he never went back home.  Wait!  What?!?  Did she just say that?  Yep, I did.  It wasn't exactly what either one of us expected to happen, but it just....did.  I have tried to rationalize it and explain it, but the best I can come up with is: It just....IS.  We just happened.  It...just...feels...right...

Wanna know the crazy thing about this?  The day we first started talking was Nov. 23rd, Brian's birthday and the day he came and stayed (the day we are considering our "anniversary") was Dec. 5th, which was the same day Brian and I started dating so many years ago....Coincidence?  I don't think so.  I had always believed that Brian would hand pick the right man for his family, and the more I get to know Victor the more I realize that if he and Brian had met they would have been really good friends.  That comforts me.  I truly believe that he was Brian's birthday gift to me.

Time will tell if this is something that will last a lifetime, but for now it is good....no, it is better than good....it is pretty awesome.