I deserve...

I've said it again and again... being widowed is painful. In fact, it is the single most painful thing I've ever been through, and I've given birth 4 times, twice with no pain meds. It is a different kind of pain than childbirth, though there is definitely a physical component to it. The emotional pain that comes in waves at the most random times even years after Brian's death can still reduce me to instant tears. It has been 7 years since I held him in my arms as he took his last breath. It was time, he had no more fight in him, his life was no where near what he deserved. In that moment, though family was in the room, it was just us. His death was as it needed to be. I laid next to him in his bed at Hospice as he took his last breath, my eyes were squeezed shut tight because I couldn't bare to watch the love of my life leave me. When I opened my eyes his eyes were open, for the first time in 3 days his eyes were open and he was looking at my face. A single tear was on his cheek. He loved me... I loved him. Death doesn't change that, sometimes I actually think it makes it stronger. He didn't deserve to die at 43. I didn't deserve to be widowed at 41... but, what DO I deserve?

I had an incredible love. We had a life plan. All of that changed in an instant. I have had to recreate myself over and over since that day. I had to learn to be Sheryl without Brian. After 25 years I wasn't sure who that was or how to be anyone or anything but a wife and mother. Since that day I have worked hard to learn who I am as a person, as a widowed person. I know that Brian would be proud of the mother I have been and the direction I'm going with my life. Our kids are great, my business is growing, but I am missing a huge part of what is important to me. Things are good, but, I'm not completely happy. I've been in a relationship for 2 years now, but the longer we are together instead of feeling content and happy I still feel like something is missing. I feel like I am trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Don't get me wrong, I'm with someone who loves me, but the truth is he doesn't take care of me the way I need. I constantly have this feeling of "this isn't quite right, but it COULD be... IF..." There is a huge lack of physical intimacy in our relationship. Financially he has nothing, which means I am supporting him. I have a lot invested in this relationship. My heart is invested, my kids hearts are invested. Truth be told though, I keep thinking what do I DESERVE? Because I'm not getting what I need or what I deserve.

I deserve to be happy again, unquestionably happy. I deserve to have a man in my life that wants to take care of me. That may sound old fashioned, and I'm ok with that. I have been a "caretaker" my whole life. If you look at my closest relationships starting in high school my friends were always the ones that "needed" something. I've always been the one who is there for everyone. It can be tiring. I am SO ready for someone to take care of ME. Someone where I never have to question if I am in or if I'm out. Brian took care of me as much as I took care of him. I want that again. I DESERVE to have that again... I think that any widowed person deserves that chance... the chance to be happy again... to feel that sense of security that being with someone who loves you brings. I miss that. I miss being part of a relationship that just works naturally. He is out there... I KNOW he is... he has to be. My happy. My safe place. The next love of my life... I will come across him as I travel down my winding path of widowhood...