8 years ago life as I knew it was coming to a screeching halt. Brian had fallen in our room and in that fall he fractured his neck and had a brain bleed. I was sure he was going to die on our bedroom floor as I watched mini-strokes go across his face. The next 7 weeks were a blur of fighting for his comfort and survival... comfort came to some extent, but survival did not.
The years since his death (almost 8) have held different challenges.
The Chiropractor that we had employed literally picked up and moved her practice down the street (telling me the LAST day we were open before being closed for 2 weeks over Christmas and New Years that she wasn't coming back), taking ALL of our patients with her and tanking the sale price of the business Brian and I had spent our entire adult life working towards. We had no life insurance, so that money was crucial to our well being. I worked with Brian, so not only did I lose my husband and best friend, I lost my job and my business.
I became involved with a man that was an emotionally abusive, narcissistic, pathological liar. It took me a LONG time to untangle from that. In my widowed brain I thought I had found love again, but none of it was real. He was not capable of love. I all but severed my relationship with my parents whom I love dearly because of him. Thankfully, they loved me enough to stick with me and our relationship is just as close today as it always was.
I was let go from a job that I really liked because I "seemed too busy" to work (yep, only parent and my kids came first) and I didn't seem to be "catching on" fast enough. In other words, my widow brain (yes, it is a real thing) was not allowing me to retain everything I needed to. Having never been fired in my life this was a huge blow to my ego.
My mother-in-law (who called me the Devil after Brian died) took me to court for grandparent visitation rights, even though I was NOT withholding or keeping the kids from her. I spent well over $10,000 (again, money that was crucial to our survival) defending my children's rights to CHOOSE if and when they wanted to spend time with her. In the end she got visitation. Brian, who KNEW she would do something like this had it in his will that she was to get no visitation or placement of our kids unless it was deemed in their best interest by me or their guardian if I was no longer alive. She didn't care that he had put this in writing and went against his wishes. This lasted a year, and when she filed for "make up" time if one of the kids couldn't make it I said no... and back to court we went. The guardian ad litem ruled in the kids favor and said that it was not in their best interest to be forced to spend time with her.
Most recently, I lost my very best friend, the best friend I've ever had and I don't even know why. She was my rock, my soul mate in female form and the loss of our friendship has been soul crushing. It has created a new form of grief for me. I used to tell her that if anything ever happened to her I would feel widowed again. I wasn't wrong.
Why am I writing all of this? Because I SURVIVED. Not only have I survived, I'm... HAPPY. I'm sitting in a Starbucks drinking an iced chai tea latte in CALIFORNIA and I'm LOVING my life. I walked here, by myself... something I never would have done 8 years ago. I started my own business and I ROCK at what I do. I am strong. I am loving. I am kind. I am generous. I am creative. I am LIVING. I. Am. Enough.
The Winding Road of Widowhood takes many turns, but today it has me in sunny California with a smile on my face.
