The winding path of widowhood is never ending. Brian's death 8 years and 8 months ago put me on this path that I will be on in one way or another for the rest of my life. The one thing that never even crossed my mind 8 years and 8 months ago is that I would still be on this path "alone". When I say I alone, I don't mean that literally, I have four beautiful kids that have been my sidekicks on this journey. I have parents that have been here for me every step of the way. I have friends that I cherish beyond measure. When I say "alone" I mean that I never thought that I would be single over 8 years after Brian died.
Before Brian was diagnosed with his cancer he was at a pre-op appointment with my dad. We knew he had pancreas cancer, but every test that had been done up to that point had not come back with cancer cells. They couldn't treat what they didn't know, so he had to have laparoscopic surgery to type his cancer. My dad went with him for support because he didn't want to be alone. He told my dad that day that if he died from this that he wanted me to find someone that would love me and love my kids as much as he did. He told my dad that it was his job to make sure that I NEVER felt guilty about doing that. There sat my 38 year old husband, knowing the likelihood of him dying from this was extremely high and he was thinking about ME and MY future happiness. At some point during our cancer journey he told me the same thing. He told me that he wanted me to find someone to be in my life. He said that I was too beautiful of a person to spend my life alone. He will never know what an incredible gift those words were.
I have been in two relationships since he died. The first was a colossal mistake, one made by a widow that had zero idea how to date and had no thought that people could be so awful. It was an abusive relationship, not physically, and not emotionally in the typical way, but he was narcissistic and manipulative and he drew me in in a way that even when I wanted to be out of the relationship I didn't know how. The only good thing that came of that relationship was that I learned that I had the capacity and the ability to love someone besides Brian. That was a powerful thing.
Relationship number two started out much more cautiously. It took me a long time to let him in. One day I realized that I was holding back and I finally gave in to the feelings. I loved him. I thought I would marry him, but he just never seemed to be what I needed. At first he was, but then at one point it just changed. He stopped helping around the house. He didn't spend a lot of time with me. I kept waiting and hoping for things to get better and they just didn't. I finally ended that relationship just over 3 years into it. That sent him into "self correction" mode and he started doing things to improve his life. I chose to give him another chance a few months later, but, for me it was too late. I was going through the motions but the feelings were different. I wanted more for my life than I was getting, so I ended it again in August of last year.
Dating since then has been... ugly. I do not have a job that I go to every day, I don't go to church or belong to any clubs or organizations. There is not a lot of opportunity in my life to meet men... so, online "dating" it is... Online dating does not really include much "dating". It includes a lot of talking that never leads anywhere. I've met 3 men in the last 7 months, 2 of which disappeared without a trace (known as ghosting in the dating world) after 3 and 4 dates, and let me tell you, that SUCKS! It fills you with self doubt and makes you question what you did wrong... when in reality it is an immature move by someone who would rather take the easy way (for THEM) out.
Recently I started talking to someone who is widowed, someone I have had some very in depth conversations with about life, death, love and widowhood. It has been open, honest and real. I wanted to meet him... but... we are not in the same place. He says that he is broken, that he doesn't know if he will ever be able to be with someone else again and that I can do better. I said "maybe... maybe not"... but, I guess we will never know. I understand that feeling all too well, but I know that our hearts are capable of loving again... if we let it. I didn't meet him, and I can't help but feel disappointed that I won't get the chance to. Unfortunately this is an all too familiar feeling.
8 years and 8 months. It feels like forever and yesterday all at once. The longer I remain "alone" the more I get the feeling that maybe Brian was my one and only chance. I've always thought that Brian was the first love of my life... but I'm starting to wonder if maybe he was the only love I will ever truly have (que tears at the thought of this). Maybe I am broken too. Maybe it just isn't meant to be. I try to remain optimistic and hopeful, but the hurt that comes along with "dating" can easily drag someone with a huge heart down.
Brian's words echo in my head... "You are too beautiful of a person to spend your life alone." It hurts, and I don't like it, but I know that there is nothing I can do if someone is not willing to take the steps, do the work, or take the chance. So, for now... and for the foreseeable future... I will continue to wind down this path of widowhood "alone"...
