THAT Guy... THE Guy (?)... I guess not

How many times can I do this? Dating. I don't understand WHY it has to be so hard at this age!!! I have been "dating" on and off since I ended my relationship with Anthony almost a year ago. In that year I have met a handful of guys, I have talked to a lot more, but it never goes anywhere and the conversation eventually just tapers off. I went out with three of them a few times each. Two disappeared (ghosted) without a trace (I found out later that one of them does this habitually to women, it is just beyond my comprehension how you could so easily treat someone like that) and one said he "couldn't give me the time and attention I deserve", I had a couple of "meet and greets" there was just no connection... but the last one... all I can say is WOW... I felt like I had finally met THAT guy... maybe even THE guy...

He messaged me on a dating site on July 4th. I took one look at his smile and knew I had to reply... then I read his profile and I DEFINITELY had to reply. Self employed, flips houses, dad... He said he wanted to know more, I said "you had me at flips houses". We messaged back and forth all day and later that night he gave me his phone number. I rarely give mine out that quickly, but this time I did. He asked if he could call me and we proceeded to talk for over two hours, I think it was 1 am by the time we hung up. That 2 hours went by quickly. There was never a lapse in our conversation or an uncomfortable silence. Before we hung up he asked me if I would like to meet, I said yes and we planned on meeting the next day. I went to bed with a smile on my face that night. This felt different then other men I have talked to. In the course of those two hours we talked about our families (he has 4 kids too and their ages are not a lot different than mine) our pets (he has a dog named Ivy too) our careers, which go hand in hand and past relationships. We definitely have a lot in common.

We met in Lake Geneva (he lives in IL, 2 hours from me) for a late dinner the next day. Again, the conversation flowed as though we had known each other for much longer than a day. After dinner we went to the lake, he had brought chairs with him so we sat in those and talked some more. At the end of the night he gave me an "air hug" because we were both dealing with kids that had been exposed to Covid (both tested negative, but we didn't know that at that time) and we said good night.

The next two weeks consisted of us talking every day for hours. We rarely texted and it was SO NICE to be able to get to know someone this way. He was attentive and often called me just to see what I was doing. At some point during the second week I asked him when I was going to see him again, his response "not soon enough". We met in Lake Geneva again and hung out in a small bar all night. I watched him play pool and we talked all night. It was not the most romantic second date, but it was relaxing and fun. He walked me to my car and when he kissed me good night I have to admit that the thought ran through my head that if that was my last first kiss I was ok with that. He smiled at me and said "you're going to be thinking about that kiss all the way home". He wasn't wrong... As he walked away he turned back to look at me over his shoulder and smiled. I drove home telling myself not to fall for him... but even as I talked to myself I knew that it was too late, I was already there.

The next day I texted him and said I was still thinking about that kiss... no response. I called him that afternoon, he didn't answer. That all too familiar feeling of being ghosted was creeping in and I was pushing it away as hard as I could (that is what happens when guys decide that it is easier to just disappear then to TELL you they aren't interested. It makes it SO hard to trust the next guy) he finally texted me and said that he couldn't stop thinking about how I had been on the dating site we met on, talking to other guys WHILE we were on our date! Wait... WHAT?!? No. I wasn't. I finally met a guy that seemed to check ALL of the boxes and he thought I was talking to other men. Not only was I NOT talking to anyone else (I did answer one text that night and that is what he saw) I had told everyone that I was talking to that I had met someone and I wanted to see where that was going. I hid my profile so I would stop getting messages. I even cancelled a date I had set up earlier in the week because I didn't feel right about meeting anyone else. I tried to call him, he wouldn't answer. I texted him, he responded but it was clear that he had made up his mind. In two short weeks I felt more potential for something real than I have ever felt with anyone since Brian died. I've felt potential before, but this was different, VERY different. 

It has been almost 2 weeks since I have heard from him. I have sent him a couple of texts trying to open that communication up again, but he has not responded. Even though this is over, I deleted my dating profile. I just do not want to meet anyone else. I met someone that I really wanted to get to know, a guy that when I told my daughter a little about him said "Mom! He is YOU in male form" LOL. This one stings, I saw something different and a lot of what I have been looking for in a man. We had a connection, I KNOW it was not one sided...There has not been a day in the last two weeks that I have not thought about him. Every day I hope that my phone rings with the ringtone I have just for him... but it doesn't. Today was particularly hard though. This morning that image of him looking over his shoulder at me as he walked away popped into my head. It brought tears to my eyes, and for the rest of the day I was on the verge of tears. I finally went to a park by a lake to watch the sunset and let myself cry. Tears for the hurt this has caused. Tears for the "alone" feeling I have. Tears for realization that I may NEVER find THAT guy. Tears simply because I REALLY like this one... My friends tell me that it is his loss, but I feel like we are both losing out on something that could be amazing and it makes me sad.

As I left the park tonight there was an elderly couple sitting in lawn chairs watching the sunset. I thought how lucky they are to have each other. I want that. After all I have been through I DESERVE that. Brian wanted that for me. I want something just like this was starting to be...

😢😢😢😢

 

 

"Alone"

The winding path of widowhood is never ending. Brian's death 8 years and 8 months ago put me on this path that I will be on in one way or another for the rest of my life. The one thing that never even crossed my mind 8 years and 8 months ago is that I would still be on this path "alone". When I say I alone, I don't mean that literally, I have four beautiful kids that have been my sidekicks on this journey. I have parents that have been here for me every step of the way. I have friends that I cherish beyond measure. When I say "alone" I mean that I never thought that I would be single over 8 years after Brian died.

Before Brian was diagnosed with his cancer he was at a pre-op appointment with my dad. We knew he had pancreas cancer, but every test that had been done up to that point had not come back with cancer cells. They couldn't treat what they didn't know, so he had to have laparoscopic surgery to type his cancer. My dad went with him for support because he didn't want to be alone.  He told my dad that day that if he died from this that he wanted me to find someone that would love me and love my kids as much as he did. He told my dad that it was his job to make sure that I NEVER felt guilty about doing that. There sat my 38 year old husband, knowing the likelihood of him dying from this was extremely high and he was thinking about ME and MY future happiness. At some point during our cancer journey he told me the same thing. He told me that he wanted me to find someone to be in my life. He said that I was too beautiful of a person to spend my life alone. He will never know what an incredible gift those words were.

I have been in two relationships since he died. The first was a colossal mistake, one made by a widow that had zero idea how to date and had no thought that people could be so awful. It was an abusive relationship, not physically, and not emotionally in the typical way, but he was narcissistic and manipulative and he drew me in in a way that even when I wanted to be out of the relationship I didn't know how. The only good thing that came of that relationship was that I learned that I had the capacity and the ability to love someone besides Brian. That was a powerful thing.

Relationship number two started out much more cautiously. It took me a long time to let him in. One day I realized that I was holding back and I finally gave in to the feelings. I loved him. I thought I would marry him, but he just never seemed to be what I needed. At first he was, but then at one point it just changed. He stopped helping around the house. He didn't spend a lot of time with me. I kept waiting and hoping for things to get better and they just didn't. I finally ended that relationship just over 3 years into it. That sent him into "self correction" mode and he started doing things to improve his life. I chose to give him another chance a few months later, but, for me it was too late. I was going through the motions but the feelings were different. I wanted more for my life than I was getting, so I ended it again in August of last year.

Dating since then has been... ugly. I do not have a job that I go to every day, I don't go to church or belong to any clubs or organizations. There is not a lot of opportunity in my life to meet men... so, online "dating" it is... Online dating does not really include much "dating". It includes a lot of talking that never leads anywhere. I've met 3 men in the last 7 months, 2 of which disappeared without a trace (known as ghosting in the dating world) after 3 and 4 dates, and let me tell you, that SUCKS! It fills you with self doubt and makes you question what you did wrong... when in reality it is an immature move by someone who would rather take the easy way  (for THEM) out.

Recently I started talking to someone who is widowed, someone I have had some very in depth conversations with about life, death, love and widowhood. It has been open, honest and real. I wanted to meet him... but... we are not in the same place. He says that he is broken, that he doesn't know if he will ever be able to be with someone else again and that I can do better. I said "maybe... maybe not"... but, I guess we will never know. I understand that feeling all too well, but I know that our hearts are capable of loving again... if we let it. I didn't meet him, and I can't help but feel disappointed that I won't get the chance to. Unfortunately this is an all too familiar feeling.

8 years and 8 months. It feels like forever and yesterday all at once. The longer I remain "alone" the more I get the feeling that maybe Brian was my one and only chance. I've always thought that Brian was the first love of my life... but I'm starting to wonder if maybe he was the only love I will ever truly have (que tears at the thought of this). Maybe I am broken too. Maybe it just isn't meant to be. I try to remain optimistic and hopeful, but the hurt that comes along with "dating" can easily drag someone with a huge heart down.

Brian's words echo in my head... "You are too beautiful of a person to spend your life alone." It hurts, and I don't like it, but I know that there is nothing I can do if someone is not willing to take the steps, do the work, or take the chance. So, for now... and for the foreseeable future... I will continue to wind down this path of widowhood "alone"...