Pictures....

Yesterday the kids and I tromped through a tree farm to find the perfect Christmas tree. It is the first time we have done this since Brian died.

Last year, one of my my daughters said "We don't have enough pictures of Dad on our tree!" So, being the mom that I am I went out and bought an ornament to put his picture in. Here I am sifting through a drawer full of pictures... a drawer full of memories to find the perfect one. Then it hits me... AGAIN... that there will never again be a chance to take a perfect picture of him. All we have is a drawer full of pictures and the memories in our heads. How I wish I could take those memories and make them into reality.

Reality of a beautiful life. A life gone much too soon. A life that left those of us who love him with nothing more than pictures in a drawer and memories in our heads. I wish I could freeze those memories and print them so we wouldn't forget... because the truth is, memories fade. Brian is part of our "what was" and will never be a part of our "what will be". Pictures help to keep those memories alive, but it is so hard when looking for that "perfect" picture to know that we have a finite amount of them...

Christmas and the holiday season is hard. Though the weight of Brian's absence is never gone, it is especially heavy at this time of year. As our family makes new memories he is here in spirit. Yesterday as we traipsed through the tree farm looking for that perfect tree, I told the kids stories of some of the tree hunts that Brian did together. They laughed at some of them and I hope that I was able to weave a little bit more of Brian into their memories of this Christmas.

As my winding path of widowhood journeyed through the tree farm yesterday and memories of Christmases past, we also created new memories as we found the perfect tree... and on that perfect tree will be a new ornament showing our never ending love for him... long live love...

Angel Day - Year 4....

September 3rd, 2015. It's Angel Day. On this day 4 years ago my family's lives were forever changed when Brian died. He was a great husband, father, son, son-in-law, brother, brother-in-law, uncle, friend, Chiropractor... the world is NOT a better place without him. We miss him and there have been a lot of tears in our home the last few days. I am taking my kids out of school early today and we are going to go to Devils Lake and have a picnic, maybe swim or rent a kayak (I always feel closer to Brian when I'm on the water). We will eat steak sandwiches (one of his favorite foods) and send sky lanterns with messages to Heaven. We will let him know that our love for him is still very much alive.

 This is a day of reflection for me. Ive been thinking about how my life has changed. One of the biggest things that helped me to be where I am right now is Camp Widow. I LOVE Camp Widow! At the most recent Camp, in Michele Neff Hernandez's (founder of Soaring Spirits International) key note address she said some things that really made a difference to me, things that made me think.

"You will not outgrow your widowhood, but you will grow into it."

I HAVE grown into it, in fact, I embrace that it has helped mold me into who I am today. Strong. Independent. Loving. Aware.... Don't get me wrong, I HATE being a widow. I HATE that my husband died. But I don't hate the word widow. To me the word widow says I loved and was loved, I still do, and I still am. I am at a point in my winding path of widowhood that it is time to pay it forward. I am starting a Soaring Spirits Regional Group to help other widowed people to feel the love and support of our widowed community. I never imagined 4 years ago that I could be in a place to to something like this.

 "You have to evolve into what you love about you"

This is a hard one... especially for someone who is widowed. So much of my life was changed when Brian died. From the time I was 17 it was always "Brian and Sheryl" "Sheryl and Brian". After 25 years it is not an easy thing to all of a sudden be just "Sheryl". It has been a process to evolve into who I am at this moment. I continue to evolve. I am proud of who I am. I love who I am. I am (relatively) happy with my life, there is still some tweaking to be done, but I'm getting there!

 "You have the choice to create and craft your future and how you want it to look"

There is no question, my future is significantly different than what Brian and I planned it to be. Our plan was always to get his clinic to a solid stable place and then I was going to be able to do whatever I wanted with my career. It would have been SO much easier to do what I want with him encouraging and supporting me. It would have been easier knowing I had his income to rely on while I created and crafted my dreams. SO many things would be easier if he were here... Creating and crafting my future is, well, TERRIFYING. I have the opportunity to do whatever I want, but along with that opportunity comes the fact that that task is VERY BIG. Most of the time it is still too big for me to even think about. It is scary. I am starting small, and the good thing is that I am finally starting. I know how I want my future to look and I am starting to create that.... I have some ideas... and finally feel like I'm in a place where I can start putting them into motion.

 "I love you so much that I will live for you"

This one is my FAVORITE. You know how people say "I love you so much I would die for you!"? Well, let me tell you... if that happens THEY AREN'T DOING YOU ANY FAVORS! Brian and I used to have the same argument, he'd say "I could die from this!"and I'd say "If you do that means I have to live the rest of my life without you!" I don't think there was ever a winner to this argument, because neither option was good, but I can sure say that living without him has been the most painful experience I have ever had. Instead of the cliché "I would die for you" I am saying "I love you so much that I will LIVE for you!".

I will continue to live my life. I will be happy. I may even find love again someday. I will create and craft my future the way I want it to look. I will continue to evolve into a person that *I* love. I will do all of these things because that is what Brian wanted for me, and... I deserve it. I will live my life in color.

 My winding path of widowhood is no longer as windy, but it is a path that I will forever be on. There are still occasional twists and turns, but most days are filled with sunshine and the days of the deep dark forest are behind me. I will continue to live... because I love him enough to live for him and I love ME enough to live in color!