Goodbye Winnie

Sometimes grief takes on a new shape.  Just when you think you can not handle one more thing, that one more thing comes along and has to be dealt with.  Then your grief expands to let in this new sadness.  I think my grief is about as full as it can get at this point.

Today I had another first, though one that was not something I had previously thought of, and it was a first that ripped my heart in two.  I had to put our oldest cat Winnie down today.  Though Brian and I had cats our entire lives together, I never had to put one down.  Brian always did it.  Mello (his from before we even lived together), BooBoo a little black kitty that we got when we first moved to Iowa.  I was so depressed living in Iowa that Brian looked at me one day and said "Let's go get you a kitten", we came home with this little black bundle of fur.  She didn't really like Brian for some reason, but when she got sick he took her to the vet and held her until she was gone.  Then our favorite cat, Fred.  He definitely belonged to both of us, he never picked sides.  Fred was the most awesome orange cat ever.  He originally belonged to our two very young next door neighbors in Iowa.  I actually almost stole him once, no lie, because he was SO cute!  One day Brian woke up and realized our neighbors were moving out!  WooHoo!  No more loud parties and stupid kids peeing in our yard!  Then the youngest of the sisters came over and asked if we could keep their cat.  She said if we didn't take him she would just have to let him go, well, it was December and there was snow on the ground, so we added one more cat to our home.  When Brian was sick he would lay with him for hours.  If Brian moved from the couch to the bed, Fred would follow.  It broke our hearts when we had to put him down.  Again, Brian held him until he was gone.  Today it was my turn.

Like BooBoo and Fred, Winnie was an Iowa cat.  I had stopped at a pet store to look at something on my way home from work one day and here was this adorable little long haired calico kitten.  She was so cute that I called Brian from the store and asked him if I could bring her home.  He said no, we had enough cats.  I was pretty disappointed and I talked about her for the next several days.  One day I got home from work and immediately got a phone call.  I was walking all through the house as I talked and finally Brian said "Sheryl, turn around!"  I turned around and here was this little kitten following me.  He had gone and gotten her for me.  She was definitely my cat, though she also loved Brian.  She would sleep between our pillows and Brian would always complain that he got the butt every time.  She would give me little mini-massages as I went to sleep.  So, today I had to put my little kitty down, and it was so hard.  I held her until she fell asleep and I cried wondering if I was making the right choice.  I know I did, but that didn't make it any easier.

Before I had this done I talked to Brian and told him that Winnie was coming and that he needed to be ready for her.  I told Winnie to give Brian extra love for me.  My theory is that Winnie fell asleep in my arms and woke up in Brian's.  That thought makes me smile.