6 months, has it really been that long?

Saturdays are sometimes hard for me.  It is the day of the week that Brian died.  Today it has been 6 months and of course this "sadiversary" has to be on a Saturday.  6 months.  182 days.  4368 hours.  262,080 minutes.  This is how long he has been gone.  10:06 pm Sept 3, 2011 a moment in time that I will never, ever forget, though I wish I could.  I looked at my clock tonight and it was 7:06.  That time for some reason took my breath away and my heart actually HURT.  I thought, 3 hours from RIGHT NOW it will be 6 months since he died.  6 months sounds SO long, but it feels like time has stood still.  You can ask me anything about Brian's doctors appointments, therapies he was on, surgeries and when they were and I can give you all of that information.  Ask me something specific about the last 6 months and I may just give you a blank stare.  It is so foggy.  I am sad today.  It feels like this is something big, though the day is no different than the last and won't be any different then the next.  6 months, he has been gone for 6 months, I can't believe it has been that long already.

I remember what we did for our 6 month "anniversary" when we were dating.  He gave me a big teddy bear that his mom's friend had made.  I named her Buffy and she is still in my bedroom.  Buffy had a gold necklace hanging from her turquoise ribbon.  We were getting ready to graduate from high school.  We went to Devil's Lake to celebrate this milestone and had a picnic and talked about our future.  We swam and hiked.  I remember the way he wore his hair, that he had contacts instead of glasses and that he had tree trunks for legs.  At that time in our lives 6 months was just the beginning.  I imagined the life that we would have together, he was so sweet, always so sweet.

Brian and I had a good life together.  It wasn't perfect and there were times that it was down-right terrible, but we were always determined to make it through the hard times.  Determined because deep down at our cores we had an incredible love for each other.  We respected each other.  My parents are happily married, his have not been married since he was a child.  I was determined to have a family like the one I grew up in and he was determined to not retrace his parents path.  Sometimes it was nothing more than that determination that kept us together.  Determination and that deep down love.  I loved him, I still do and I know that he loved me more than he loved anyone else in this whole world.

I will spend the coming months, days, hours and minutes missing him.  I heard a song the other day and the main lyric was "I only miss you when I'm breathing."  How true this is.  I can't imagine a day when I won't miss Brian, though I am sure that someday it will not hurt like it does right now.  6 months.  The hardest part about hitting 6 months is it is only a small fraction of time compared to what lies ahead.  I wouldn't even want to calculate how many months, days, hours and minutes I will spend without him in my life.  Those are going to be some big numbers, provided I don't meet an early demise......

The last 6 months have been the hardest of my life, but I made it through.  I WILL make it through the next 6 months....then the next....then the next.  I wonder what the next 6 months will bring?  Something good I hope.......