Do what you need to do.....

Do what you need to do.....That is what he said to me.  In my dream this morning.  I don't usually dream of Brian, and when I do it is usually a dream where he is still alive (or maybe he has died and come back, I can never tell) and I am begging him to do something that will help him not to die.  I wake up from those dreams feeling like I should have done more.  Maybe if I had pushed harder he would still be here....This was not that kind of dream.  There have been so many changes lately, big changes.  Being alone and not part of a couple for the first time since I was 15 for one.  I am still getting used to being an only parent and we are trying to settle into some kind of normal.  Now, selling the practice.  That's a big one.  Though I am thankful for the fact that it is sold I am still so very upset at how it happened.  I can tell you without hesitation that Brian NEVER no matter WHAT the circumstances would have done what Dr. C did.  His ethics and his morals would have prevented him from picking up and moving the way she did.  I am trying not to let that get to me, but it does, and because of her actions I had to sell the practice for a lot less than I was originally asking.  The new owners have been into the clinic and are moving things around.  My front office person called me and said she wondered if this was upsetting Brian, is he ok with this?  Yes, he is.  I know because he told me this morning......

In my dream I was telling him about the changes and telling him how each room was going to be used.  I asked him what he thought, and he said that they needed to make it work for them, and that is ok with him.  I told him that yesterday we discovered that our first tenant, a hair salon owner, had cut the power supply to the outside light that they had mounted on our building to illuminate her sign.  They left the ugly light out there, but literally cut the power cord to it so that it could not be used.  Classy, huh?  I asked Brian if he knew that, he said no, but it didn't surprise him.  He was shaking his head and smiling as he said this as if to say "some people...."

After that I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his neck.  I could actually smell him and feel the warmth of his skin on my face.  I could hear his voice soothing me.  He held me tight and I cried.  He told me to do what I needed to do, that he was right there, and if I needed to cry to do that.  He told me that he would always be there.  I could feel him, I could smell him, I could hear him.  It was SO REAL.  I woke myself up because I was sobbing in my sleep.  I wanted to stay asleep, I wanted to stay with him, but I couldn't.  I couldn't stay in the one place where for the first time in 6 months I felt safe and loved.  Today I am full of tears and loneliness.  I feel the despair of being a widow.  I HATE being a widow.   I hate that Brian had to die.  I hate the fact that I have been thrown into this world of loneliness, sadness and uncertainty. 

If I close my eyes I can still picture my face cuddled into his neck, I can still imagine his arms wrapped around me and me clinging to him.  I miss my Brian.  I miss the life we were supposed to have.  Today my winding path of widowhood has become a steep hill, plunging me into who knows what.  I will hold onto Brian's words though, "Do what you need to do" I believe that while they were spoken at a specific moment they have much greater meaning.  I believe that he is giving me permission to move forward.  I know this is something that was, and apparently still is, important to him, and I am trying, I am REALLY trying, but it is hard.  "Do what you need to do"  I will Brian, I promise I will.