Valentines Day. A day that in any given year prior to this, well most of them at least, was a good day. I remember our first Valentines day together. We had been dating for just over two months and just a few days earlier Brian had given me a beautiful sapphire and diamond ring and asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought he was crazy, buying me something that expensive after only two months, but it was at that point that I knew he wasn't like other guys. I don't remember where we went, but I do remember that we went to dinner and maybe a movie for that first Valentines date. What I remember most though about that night was what Brian did for my mom. My mom's birthday is the day after Valentines day. She was getting ready to go out with my dad and Brian went upstairs and into their bedroom. He had bought her a mug with flowers in it and as he handed it to her he said "Happy Birthday Little Girl!" I remember how surprised and pleased she was. That was classic Brian, so VERY sweet, kind and loving. Keep in mind that he was 19 and a senior in high school at the time. Like I said, he wasn't like other guys.
One year when I was in college I bought a fitted red dress for Valentines day. Brian loved me in red. We went to Paisan's (our favorite restaurant) for dinner and then to the circus. Brian couldn't keep his eyes off of me that night and was feeling pretty smug because neither could our waiter! He gave me perfume that night called Red. Actually, "our" song was by Chris DeBurgh and was called "Lady in Red".
Valentines day in the year 2000 we were celebrating being new parents with our 9 day old baby girl. The next Valentines day we were celebrating the fact that we were going to be parents again!
2006 was a different kind of Valentines day. We had already had several appointments and tests to try to find out what was wrong with Brian. In January he had had an ERCP (actually 2, because they could not complete the first one) and though that doctor said "there is some concern of a tumor, but I think we are dealing with pancreatitus" Brian was referred on to the UW Hospital for yet another procedure called an EUS. That procedure was scheduled for 2 weeks later on Valentines day. Really? Did we have to do it on THAT day? Of course we were at the mercy of the doctors schedule because this was a very specialized procedure and there aren't a lot of doctors who do it, so Valentines day it was. I remember driving down the street and starting to talk to Brian about what was going on. By now it was assumed that he had pancreatic cancer and this was the test that was supposed to confirm it. He wouldn't talk about it. We drove to the hospital mostly in silence. I have to tell you, the doctor that did his EUS set the tone for me for Brian's cancer. At the end of the procedure he came and talked with me about his findings. He had taken samples from surrounding lymph nodes and those had come back negative for cancer. There was indeed a tumor but he thought it might be operable (it wasn't) when I asked him about it, his response was "I fear we are dealing with a cancerous tumor." At no point did he go into the dire statistics of pancreatic cancer. At no point did he tell me that Brian was going to die from this. At no point did he give me the impression that there was no hope. Instead he referred us to the pancreatic surgeon that he thought was the absolute best in the UW system. I also think that when the surgeon tried to reschedule our appointment for a later date that he talked to her and got us in sooner. Valentines day 2006 I left the hospital with my wonderful Brian wondering if it would be our last.........
We were lucky to have five more. I wish it was fifty, although I would be 92 and he 94...hmmmm, maybe just forty! Even though he always said that Valentines day was a "Hallmark holiday" it never went unnoticed. As I was cleaning out his sock drawer I found five Valentine cards in the bottom. My guess is he bought them in advance and then forgot he had them. I really struggled with what to do with these cards this year. Do I give them to the kids from me or from dad? In the end I wrote both mom and dad on the cards and put a halo above dad. I told them that he bought the cards and forgot to give them to us. They all seemed to like that....it was the right choice. My kids made Valentine day hearts for me with my mother-in-law and gave me a heart filled with chocolates. They also made hearts for Brian, that made me cry, as it was sweet and sad at the same time. Hannah bought me flowers. They helped make the day special for me. At one point this morning I felt a tingle in my chin. This is the feeling I equate with Brian being near and giving me a kiss. Sometimes it is on my nose, other times I feel it on the top of my head, today it was my chin. It made me smile, just a little. As I was cleaning, I found the card he gave to me last year. On the cover it has a simple red dress and says "My Wife.... I want to love you like you've never been loved before..." (open) "...because that's the way I feel loved by you." Inside he wrote: "Yes, you are still the woman in Red". I miss my Brian every day, he was a great dad and husband, but days like today I miss him a little more.
I love you Brian, Happy Valentines Day. I will always be your Lady in Red!
Chris DeBurgh, Lady in Red:
http://youtu.be/iFcuN2zI3u0
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