Camp Hope

This past weekend the kids and I went to Camp Hope.  Camp Hope is a camp for families that have had a loss.  It started out as a camp for grieving children, but has grown to include a camp for adults as well.  This  was our second time going, the first was just 4 weeks after Brian died.  They hold the camp three times a year, May and October, and then the following February is a reunion camp.  It is awesome.  The kids are at one camp and the adults are at another, except for the reunion when we are all at the same facility.  The activities are wonderful, but for me the real advantage is that I am around people who GET IT.

Saturday morning, we were late of course.  We always are.  It doesn't matter how hard I try or how much advance packing I have done, we never leave on time, and this weekend was no different.  The kids were fighting and jockeying for position in the car instead of helping me finish up what had to be done before we could leave.  I had a headache (I really miss being able to ask Brian to adjust me which instantly got rid of my headaches) which did not improve even with Tylenol.  We finally made it to Camp, almost an hour late, and I was welcomed with a big hug and told that they were glad we were there.  The kids were already in their groups, getting to know one another and the adults were drumming.  My first thought was "Great, drumming.  Loud noise and physical activity is NOT going to help this headache!"  As soon as I walked into the building and saw some of the familiar faces from the October camp my headache was gone.  I was with people who truly understand.

We did our drumming, and it is incredible to me that you can have a room full of people playing different percussion instruments who have NO idea what they are doing and you still end up with a cohesive sound throughout the room.  Chaos coming together neatly.  Hmmm.....a goal for my new life?  Later we had a guided imagery session and then journaled after that, many tears flowed as I wrote my letter to Brian.  That night we had a candlelight remembrance ceremony, with both the adults and the kids.  This one was hard.  It started out by having a wonderful singer/songwriter named Claire sing to the group.  As she started to play, I was instantly transported to my first visit to Camp Hope.  We had a candlelight ceremony then too.  Only that time we were sitting around a bonfire while Claire played her guitar and sang.  I remember how incredibly devastated I was that night how hopeless I felt.  I remember looking off into the woods and KNOWING exactly where Brian was.  Don't get me wrong, I couldn't see him, but I KNEW exactly where he stood, watching me.  I sobbed as I lit my candle and talked about my husband.  The memory of that night and those feelings of devastation and hopelessness came flooding back and I found myself fighting to hold back the sobs that were just under the surface.  Tucker, my sweet Tucker, was sitting across from me and saw the tears.  I watched as he got up and went into the bathroom and then back across to the other side of the room and then he walked over to me and handed me some toilet paper "Here mom, tissue for you" then he hugged me and went back to his seat.  He reminded me SO much of Brian at that moment, and when I told him that later he just smiled.  As we went around the room and lit our candles we each said something about our loved ones.  I said that Brian was my light and that I was so lucky because he left me with four bright stars that light my way as I go through the shadows of grief.  Tucker said that his dad loved archery, Abbie said that when we went to Disney World her dad sat next to her on all of the scary rides, Hannah said he was the best dad she could ever have, Genevieve was so quiet when she lit her candle that I couldn't hear what she said.  It was an incredibly moving night.

Sunday started out with a yoga class, then brunch with the kids.  The adults went to the "low ropes" course and crossed ropes that jiggled and wiggled under our feet.  Jokes were made and I laughed so hard I couldn't stand up straight.  I realized that I haven't laughed like that in over 6 months.  It felt good, no, it felt GREAT!  At the end we had our closing ceremony, and the adult campers were called up to the stage.  The entertainer then started to sing the "Bellybutton" song.  Ok, I've had four kids....there was no way I was lifting my shirt to show off my bellybutton....but it was HILARIOUS to see how embarrassed my kids were to see me up on the stage for that song!

It was a good weekend, and though we had a rough start we all had a great time.  I am hoping that we can go back in May, and all of the kids agreed that they would like to do that.  Some of  the adult campers got together and decided to plan a weekend camping trip for all of us to get together with our families and stay in touch.  I love that idea!

Camp Hope.  I cried for my loss, but I laughed too.  I left feeling both happy and energized.  I left realizing that I no longer have that feeling of total devastation and hopelessness.  I left knowing that though it has only been 5 months (which sounds like a long time, but feels like a few short weeks) I have made progress with my loss.  I left with HOPE.

For more information on Camp Hope visit: www.camphopeforkids.org/