Shadows and light

I feel like a shadow of who I used to be.  Dark, flat, varying in size and shape depending on how the sun is shining and when it is cloudy out, I disappear.  So much of my light has been taken from me.  I feel like you should be able to see through me, see the darkness, the sadness, and maybe you do.  Even if you can't see it, you know that it is there because my light is missing.  My light, my Brian, is gone.  He filled me with light, even on cloudy days. He promised me a long time ago that he would never leave me unless I could honestly tell him that I didn't love him anymore.  I never told him that because I never stopped loving him, but he is gone, and with him went most of my light.  I am left feeling like a shadow.  Dark, empty, only moving when necessary or forced. 

Sometimes what little light I have shines through and instead of being a shadow I am whole. I have color and depth.  I wish I could lose my shadow like Peter Pan and then fly off to Neverland.  Only in my case, Neverland looks like a white sandy beach with a beautiful blue sky reflecting on an ocean with rainbow colored fish.  My kids are playing in the ocean and I am laying peacefully in the sand reading a book and listening to the waves lap against the shore and my children laughing.  I would not be a shadow, my shadow would be next to me where it should be, laying quietly, waiting for me to move. 

Shadows and light.  You can not have one without the other.  Brian was my light and though he is gone, I still have his light in my heart.  It is not as radiant as the light from his smile, his laugh, or the touch of his hand, but it is there and always will be.  Brian's light left me with four stars, and those four stars light my way through the darkness of the shadows.  Without my four stars I would be lost.  As we move forward through the shadows those stars will become brighter and ignite in me a new light.  My new light will make me whole and give me color and depth.  I will no longer feel like a shadow.