I miss Brian. That goes without saying, but tonight, I REALLY miss him. We ( I ) have these four great kids, but being an only parent is hard. Brian for the most part was the disciplinarian in the house. He was SO worried that he was going to die and leave me alone with four unruly, disrespectful, lazy kids that he was pretty hard on them. When I say hard, I mean he was adamant about making them clean ALL the time. It was not uncommon for them to be actively playing with something and he would tell them to put it away. I'm not sure what he was thinking when he did that, and I would look at him and laugh and say, "Don't you see that they are playing nicely together?" I did not agree with some of his parenting techniques, and I didn't hesitate to tell him that. I also was worried about him dying, but my fear was that the kids would remember him as being this mean guy that always made them clean. Because he was harder on them than I thought he should be I tended to take the lighter route. I let them go outside and play with their friends without always picking up. I put them to bed without first doing a quick clean up. I picked up their dishes when they left them out.
Neither of our techniques worked and at this point it is backfiring on me. Brian's fear is coming true. Now that he is gone I can not get them to do much of anything, and I am frustrated. I give in to them too easily, though I know why I do it. There are two reasons, first, I feel bad for them. They don't have a dad and they miss him, a lot. Second, I am grieving and that in itself takes a TREMENDOUS amount of energy. Quite frankly most of the time I am just too TIRED to deal with it and it is easier to let it go than it is to fight with them. I just don't have the energy. They all know this and they use it to their advantage........
Tonight was one of those nights that I said one thing and then gave in to them even though they didn't do as I asked. It is a Sunday night and I told them I would make popcorn and we could watch Merlin, one of our favorite shows. I told them that they had to be ready for bed BEFORE we started, meaning showers done and pjs on, by 7:00. They were all watching t.v. and no one moved to start getting ready. At the last minute they all scurried to get in the shower so we could watch our show. By the time they were ready it was 7:30....I should have said "Sorry, you knew what had to be done and you didn't do it, we'll have to try again tomorrow night." Did I say that? No. I wanted our Sunday night to have some family time, so I looked at all of the kids and said "When Merlin is over, do you promise to go straight to bed with no goofing around?" "Yes mom", was the reply from all. HA! Gullible me. No sooner did the show end and they were all saying they were hungry...ok, so get something to eat...Then they were fighting about who is sleeping where...Then the oldest child goes into the bathroom that has everyone's toothbrushes in it and locks the door. It took an HOUR to get the three younger ones into bed, two hours to get the oldest into bed and I'm not even sure she's IN bed! None of this would be happening if Brian were here, well except the brooding of the 12 year old, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be quite as crabby.
I miss him. This wasn't the way our life was supposed to be. We brought four kids into the world together, we should have been allowed to raise them together. I love them all and I wouldn't trade any one of them for anything (well....most of the time!) and they are my reason for living at this point. I need to make changes, I know that. I need to find the happy medium between Brian's hard parenting and my soft parenting. I need to find a way to make them understand that I am serious, without getting to the point where I am screaming at them and then crying because I am so mad that Brian isn't here to help me with this. It will happen. It is just one of the many changes that we have to get used to.
As of right now, the kids are grounded from all electronics for two days for not going to bed as they promised. If I catch them watching t.v. or playing on the computer or their D.S. another day gets added to the sentence.....I don't plan on giving in on this one, I hope it makes an impression on them! Being an only parent is a struggle, and I hate it with a passion, but I wasn't given a choice. It is one of the many things that I need to get used to on this winding path of widowhood.
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