Mad!!

I went to church today for the first time since Brian died.  I felt like it was the right place to be since yesterday was our 6 month "sadiversary" of his death.  I was further prompted by the fact that our Pastor had written about miracles in our monthly newsletter and it was something that really spoke to me.  It has been hard for me to go to church since Brian died.  Neither Brian or I was raised in a church setting, so it was a struggle for both of us to start going to church in the first place.  In the last few years we became associated with a church in our area that we both really liked.  We liked the Pastor, the music and the atmosphere.  We were made to feel like we belonged.  Pastor Rob came to the hospital before each surgical procedure that Brian had and prayed with him.  Brian liked that.  One day when Brian was in the hospital, just weeks before he died, I walked into his room.  He was sleeping and Pastor Rob was sitting by his side with one hand outstretched over him.  I don't know what he was praying for, healing? comfort? a good death?  Whatever it was it was a powerful image and one I will never forget.

I haven't been to church since Brian died, except for his service of course.  Why?  Because I am mad.  I am MAD at God.  It is hard to believe in God when something like this happens, but it is the one time that you HAVE to believe without question.  If there is no God, no Heaven, then where is my love?  So even though I am mad, I still believe.  I believe because right now I have to believe, but I believed before he died as well.  I believed in God without question the day that Hannah was born, beautiful and perfect.  Up until then both Brian and I would have classified ourselves as Agnostic.  But with her perfect face, 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes, came the belief that there truly is a God.  My belief became stronger as each of our babies was born.  Then, Brian was diagnosed with his cancer and given "a year, probably not two" to live.  I realized as we were going through his diagnosis that if things had gone as WE planned, I would have been pregnant with Genevieve at the time of his diagnosis.  I wanted an April baby, and the plan was to have our fourth child in April of 2006.  Instead, even though precautions were taken, I still got pregnant and we had Genevieve in April of 2005.  God gave me my April baby, but he gave her to us a year early.  He gave her to us when we needed her, not when we planned on her.  I have always believed that that baby did as much to save Brian's life in those early days as I did, just by being her.  Genevieve, our little miracle.....

In Pastor Rob's writings about miracles he says "We will beg for one if we feel it to be helpful." Did that.  "We will even bargain in order to have our insecurities and fears alleviated.  "If you will_____, then I will_____." "  Yep, did that too.  He goes on to say "It's OK to do so because it feels like a power that we have in the moment.  Yet, all too easily we can find ourselves disappointed and then powerless.  What we wanted didn't seem to happen, and we're left feeling abandoned even by God."  What I wanted DIDN'T happen.  I DO feel abandoned by God, I AM disappointed and feel powerless.  I BELIEVED that Brian would survive.  I NEVER waivered in that belief.  So many people tell me that the miracle was that Brian survived his cancer for 5 1/2 years.  You know what?  It wasn't good enough.  Am I thankful that he didn't die within the first two years as was predicted?  Yes, I am VERY thankful for that.  All of our kids were able to know their dad and they all will have concrete memories of him.  That wouldn't have happened if he had died when we were first told he would.  In the end though I am still mad.

I am mad that God let this happen.  I am mad that God didn't save him.  It is something that I will never understand.  I know people who go to church and preach the word of God yet are the most self-centered, nasty people I have ever met.  Brian wasn't like that.  He truly walked God's path even though he was not raised to do so.  He was kind, generous and loving.  He would have (and did) given those less fortunate anything he had, without question or judgement.  Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a Saint nor was he perfect, but he was one of the most caring people I have ever known.  I will never understand why he died, he could have done so much good here on Earth just by being who he was.

I cried throughout church today.  I cried as we sang "One day is better in my house than a thousand elsewhere" is it really better?  Would he choose to be where he is instead of the next thousand days being here, with us?  I cried as people hugged me and told me it was good to see me.  I cried at the memory of Brian's service being there.  I cried for my loss.....and God's gain.  I cried because I didn't get the miracle that I asked for.  Pastor Rob wrote "When our miracle doesn't happen as we hope, it might even be easy to give up...on the miracle, on God, and even on ourselves."  I am struggling not to give up, to believe in miracles, God and to believe in myself.  I asked for a huge, amazing miracle and it didn't happen.  Does that mean my faith wasn't strong enough, that Brian and I weren't worthy of this magnitude of a miracle?  That if we had done something different we would have been deserving of this type of miracle?  Pastor Rob says no "Please don't believe this lie.  Your faith is good enough.  God knows what you need. God will not abandon you.  But, your miracle might be different than what you asked for.  In fact, as strange as it might seem, you might be just smack dab in the middle of your miracle and cannot yet begin to see it."  I hope he is right.

In the end, even through my anger I still believe, though that belief has been rocked to the core and is seriously being tested.  I hope that God is patient while I work through this anger and resentment at what has happened to our lives.  I hope that Brian is truly in a better place waiting for me, though in MY opinion a better place is snuggling with me in our bed.....