Widow Island

Widow Island, it is a lonely and desolate place.  I am stuck on Widow Island and the terrain here is rocky and unfamiliar.  You would think that after 6 months I would know my way around a little better.  I don't.  In fact, it has only been recently that I have dared to venture out of the shelter I have made for myself here.  Even now I wander around this unfamiliar place and wonder "How did I get here?  What just happened to me?  Where is my life?"  There is no place safe here, no place to hide.  Brian was my safe place.  Even in the worst of times he could wrap his arms around me and I could find at least a little comfort.

The weather on Widow Island can go from sunny to thunderstorms in an instant.  As I venture out of my shelter more, I am able to see the sun.  On bright days I can even see the mainland.  The mainland where life is as it used to be, there is safety and comfort there.  I want off of this island, I want to be back on the mainland, but try as I might, I can't get there.  Maybe I can get there, all I have to do is swim, right?  So in I go, on a sunny day and start swimming toward the mainland, toward a normal life, to my safe place.  Then, out of nowhere a thunderstorm comes in and I am being forced back to Widow Island by the crashing waves. I feel as though my body is being ripped to shreds by the sharp, jagged rocks as I am pushed back.  I hurt everywhere.  Each bolt of lightening pierces my heart and every boom of thunder rocks me to the core.  I remember that my safe place is gone and I am again on my knees, crying in the thunderstorm, unable to stand from the weight of my grief.

Sometimes the sun comes out warm and bright for several days in a row and I think "The mainland looks closer today...." but I am not ready to try to swim towards it yet because I KNOW that there is a thunderstorm on the horizon.  Some day there will be more sunny days and less chance of thunderstorms.  Maybe then I will be able to make it past the waves and the sharp, jagged rocks and into the calm water.  I will be able to make it to the mainland, but life will never be as it used to be.  There will be safety and comfort, but my Brian will never again be there.  I know that even once I make it to the mainland there will be times when I will be carried off in a hurricane and deposited right back onto Widow Island.  Hopefully by then I will know my way around a little better and the swim home won't be as treacherous.