He was here.....

The other day I picked up a picture that was on my closet floor, it was a picture of Brian holding Tucker when he was a baby.  We were at my uncles farm looking at his horses.

 I looked at this picture and the thought "He was here...." popped into my head.  That thought brought tears to my eyes "He was here....". 

Yesterday Abbie came running into the house asking for the video camera.  When I asked her what she needed it for she excitedly said "Genevieve is learning to ride a two-wheeler!  Mama, she is SO CUTE!!" 

That was a moment that almost brought me to my knees.  Brian was such an avid biker and last summer he desperately wanted Genevieve to learn to ride, but she was afraid.  It really hurts that he is not here to see her ride with no training wheels and that he is not here to teach her.  He would have been so excited and happy.  He should be here! 

Last week Abbie had her first strings concert.  She videotaped herself beforehand saying how sad she was that dad isn't here to see her first concert. 

As I sat in the audience I thought, Brian was here with us last year at this concert for Hannah.  He wasn't feeling well, but there was no way he was going to miss it. 

About this time last year he went on a field trip to Upham Woods with Hannah, they had a great time together and he talked about how he wanted to go with the rest of the kids. He was here......

We are starting to get used to him not being here, to life as a family of five instead of the six we are supposed to be.  I miss him, the kids miss him.  He was here....but he is not here anymore.  Sometimes I get a sense that he is with me.  I get a tingling sensation, most of the time it is on my face, either my nose, cheek or lips.  Lately though, I will all of a sudden realize that the tip of my right index finger is numb and tingly.  The tip itself will be white and it feels and looks as though it is being pinched.  Is he here?  That is my belief.  The last time the finger thing happened I told him I was glad he was here, but could he please do something that didn't hurt?  The next thing I knew, my finger was fine and I felt soft tingles on the side of my lip.  Kisses from Heaven.  He was here.......