The first year is hard, the second year is harder. Just after Brian died this is what I was told by another widow. It was the kind of encouragement I DIDN'T need. That statement scared me half to death because I couldn't IMAGINE feeling any worse than I did at that point. As of today I am 52 days into my second year....do I think it is harder? No, but it is different.
Some widows have said that the second year brings on the realization that he is never coming back. I have never questioned that....I have never expected him to walk through my front door. I know he is gone, at least in a physical sense. One widowed friend said that with each passing day she misses her husband more and more. I miss Brian, but the pain of missing him has lessened.
For me though, the second year has brought on incredible feelings of loneliness. For as long as I can remember all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother. I had that, and I was happy. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom, I would not trade my kids for anything, but I miss being a wife. I saw a sign the other day that said "I don't need to be a good cook, I'm a trophy wife!". I had to laugh because I am NOT a good cook and Brian ALWAYS called me his trophy wife, in fact that is what he had programmed into his cell phone for me...Trophy Wife. I almost bought the sign, but then I realized it didn't fit anymore...I am no longer a wife. I don't mind being alone, but I hate being lonely.
The second year is different. I honestly didn"t expect this. I knew that the anniversary of his death would be hard, and it was, but I didn't expect the whole month of September to be so hard. I couldn't wait for it to be over. Well, we are well into October and I am still in a funk. Maybe it is because we have the holidays just around the corner. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years...His birthday, my birthday and Tucker's birthday are all coming up quickly. This is the year I will be the same age as Brian when he died. He would tease me on my birthday about me getting older and I would always reply "I'll never be as old as YOU!" This year I will be, and that hurts.
The first year was hard. Adjusting to life without Brian, adjusting to life as an only parent. Accepting that this is the way it is. The second year....well, it has only just begun, and while I am sure that I will survive the second year as I survived the first, I hope it has some better things in store for us. I do know this....the second year is NO WHERE NEAR as hard as the first. I am sure that along the path of widowhood in this second year that I will encounter some deep ravines, but I also know that there will be more breathtaking views.....and along the way there will be reminders of Brian and the incredible man that he was....
Some widows have said that the second year brings on the realization that he is never coming back. I have never questioned that....I have never expected him to walk through my front door. I know he is gone, at least in a physical sense. One widowed friend said that with each passing day she misses her husband more and more. I miss Brian, but the pain of missing him has lessened.
For me though, the second year has brought on incredible feelings of loneliness. For as long as I can remember all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother. I had that, and I was happy. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom, I would not trade my kids for anything, but I miss being a wife. I saw a sign the other day that said "I don't need to be a good cook, I'm a trophy wife!". I had to laugh because I am NOT a good cook and Brian ALWAYS called me his trophy wife, in fact that is what he had programmed into his cell phone for me...Trophy Wife. I almost bought the sign, but then I realized it didn't fit anymore...I am no longer a wife. I don't mind being alone, but I hate being lonely.
The second year is different. I honestly didn"t expect this. I knew that the anniversary of his death would be hard, and it was, but I didn't expect the whole month of September to be so hard. I couldn't wait for it to be over. Well, we are well into October and I am still in a funk. Maybe it is because we have the holidays just around the corner. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years...His birthday, my birthday and Tucker's birthday are all coming up quickly. This is the year I will be the same age as Brian when he died. He would tease me on my birthday about me getting older and I would always reply "I'll never be as old as YOU!" This year I will be, and that hurts.
The first year was hard. Adjusting to life without Brian, adjusting to life as an only parent. Accepting that this is the way it is. The second year....well, it has only just begun, and while I am sure that I will survive the second year as I survived the first, I hope it has some better things in store for us. I do know this....the second year is NO WHERE NEAR as hard as the first. I am sure that along the path of widowhood in this second year that I will encounter some deep ravines, but I also know that there will be more breathtaking views.....and along the way there will be reminders of Brian and the incredible man that he was....
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