I did it again....

"Once in a while, in an ordinary life, LOVE gives you a Fairy Tale". 

This is another one of those "stand before you naked" blogs.  I promised myself when I started writing these that I would be honest and true.  That regardless of the situation I would tell my story, no matter how painful or embarrassing it may be...so here I go again....

Dating....I have to say that this is not an easy adventure and I am not sure that I am enjoying the experience.  I am actually questioning my sanity and whether or not it is worth continuing down this path!  There is a steep learning curve on this dating thing, and just when I think I might have it the curve shifts and I fall off.  Yet, for some reason I continue to move down this slippery slope....

So, I did it again....I fell again....and this time I fell harder than the first....I met someone that at first I said no to.  Why did I say no?  Because he is 6'4 and for those that don't know me I am all of 4'10 (and a half!).  I told him I couldn't meet him because he is a foot and a half taller than me and I was sure I would look like a little kid next to him.  One Saturday morning one of my friends and I were talking about this situation as we walked around the Farmer's Market. She was trying to convince me that I shouldn't turn someone down because of his height.  There happened to be a man about that height nearby, so I looked at her and said "Let me demonstrate".  I sauntered over to this man, stood next to him, turned around and smiled.  My friend couldn't help but laugh.  She agreed that I did indeed look tiny....but still said that I should take a chance....

As this guy was trying to convince me to meet him, he suggested that we go out to dinner sometime and he could sit across from me where he wouldn't look so tall and we could discuss this height issue I had.  He said that way I "could try on the shoe to see if it fit (fairy tale reference)"....how sweet was THAT?  Given the fact that he didn't give up when I said no, and instead took it as a challenge, he wore me down and even after everything I have been through I still believe in fairy tales and happy endings, so I decided to take that chance....

It didn't take long for me to realize that this man was someone that I wanted to get to know better.  He talked with such pride about his children, which was one of the first things to make me soften.  He would text me good morning and call me regularly.  In the beginning we would talk for hours, sometimes we would just sit in silence on the phone and somehow that was never uncomfortable.  He had this way of looking at me that made me feel like I was the most amazing thing he had ever seen.  He looked at me with a smile on his face at the end of our first meeting and said "What's the date? September 1st, remember this date, it is going to be a good one for both of us!".  When he kissed me for the first time I have to admit, it was one of the most incredible kisses I have ever had....I floated through the rest of the day with a smile on my face....

For our second date he made dinner for me.  We had an awesome night.  We talked about dating and the fact that he hadn't dated for a while because he had decided to get a dog.  I joked and told him to let me know if and when my status was more important than the dogs.  I really liked spending time with him.  He just felt....right.  For as big as that shoe was, I liked the way it seemed to fit.  However, what I didn't realize was that the shoe I was trying on was a running shoe....

What happened?  I....have....no....idea....  The last time I saw him he talked about "the next few times we get together"....and I haven't seen him since then.  I left his house that last time feeling like things were good, feeling confident that he would not do the same thing to me as the other men I had met had done, and that was to just disappear.  I must be really naive, because that is exactly what happened. 

The hardest part for me is the lack of closure, the fact that I don't know WHY he never called again.  I don't understand how you can look at someone the way he looked at me, talk about "the next few times", tell me that "there is definitely a physical attraction" and then just be gone.  He seemed to have such integrity, I truly didn't see it coming.  I realized the other day that part of what makes this so hard is because with Brian I didn't have a choice, I had NO control over the situation.  It didn't matter WHAT I did, because there was nothing I could do to save him.  With dating, I keep wondering "what if I had done this", "should I have done that?", "maybe I shouldn't have done this".  The woulda, coulda, shoulda's are brutal, and in the end I am left struggling, hurting and wondering what happened. 

I really (I mean REALLY!!) liked this man, and truth be told, I still do.  I miss him, and it both amazes and scares me how he got into my heart THAT fast.  I thought there was something there, like there was the potential for something real with him.  I don't want whatever it was becoming to be over.  My friends are again telling me that he isn't worth another thought, that it is his loss.  They keep telling me that I am going to kiss a lot of toads before the right man comes along.  I didn't think he was a toad....I thought he was Prince Charming....  One of my daughters asked last week "Mama, has ***** called?".  When I said no, she said "That's too bad Mama, he just doesn't know how great you really are!".  Apparently he doesn't.....let's see: dog....girlfriend....dog....girlfriend....I guess he picked the dog....