Three LONG months

It has been just over three months since my best friend, my husband, took his last breath.  Three LONG months.  It has been three months of figuring out how to "go it alone".  Three months of being an only parent to four kids.  Three months of trying to figure out what to do with his things.  Three months of loneliness. 

I find that I don't really dream about Brian, though when I do I'm not sure it is a good thing.  I wake up longing for the life we were supposed to have.  I wake up missing him more, though sometimes I feel less alone if he has visited me in my dreams....  The funny thing is, when I dream of him, he isn't necessarily healthy, but in the dreams we have more TIME to work with.  TIME to make him healthy.  I guess it is my subconscious feeling guilty about not doing more, though anyone you talk to will tell you I did EVERYTHING possible to try and save him.

I miss my Brian.  Last week we would have been together for 25 years.  25 years, well over half of my life.  I started dating Brian when I was 17 and from that point forward, there was never anyone else.  We "grew up" together, became adults together, did all of our significant "firsts" together.  We brought four beautiful babies into this world together.  25 years is a pretty significant chunk of time, though it amazes me to think that there is the possibility that I will spend more of my life with someone else......I wonder how THAT works when we get to Heaven?  The last 25 years has molded me into who I am today....though on this particular day, I'm not sure WHO that is.  Brian taught me to be strong and independent, the strength I appreciate, the need for being independent I'm not so thrilled about......

Three months.  A point where I find that the tears are no longer constant.  A time where I am starting to feel more like "me".  What is it I have been told a thousand times in the last three months?  Oh yea, "Time heals all wounds".  Though if you talk to a WIDOW they see it differently.  The wound never heals, it just hurts less.  Three months without Brian is a drop in the bucket compared to the last 25 years of life with him.  The pain is unreal, for me and our children.  We miss him, and we will miss him for a long time, probably for the rest of our lives.  We are trying to heal, trying to "re-frame" our family structure.  Three months feels like forever, but in reality we are only at the beginning of this journey.  I hope as I wind my way through widowhood that I find peace, happiness and love along the way.