First written on Nov. 10th
Mornings and bedtime, the two hardest parts of the day. Hard for so many reasons. Waking up to not having my handsome husband next to me, and going to bed completely exhausted yet unable to fall asleep. Instead I wake up to one of four kids next to me in the bed, having stolen my covers during the night, something Brian never did. He always made sure I was covered if he was moving around. At night I blow a kiss into the air and tell him "goodnight, I love you". I did this last week thinking my daughter was already asleep, then from the other side of the bed I heard a whisper, "I love you too, Mama". That created a smile wrapped in sadness.
Mornings and bedtime. The two times of the day that the fact that he's gone is SO much more evident. Kids that won't go to bed. I get one child to do what I ask and the other three scatter like mice. Get child number two under control, and child number one forgets what they were supposed to be doing and joins three and four....you get the picture. The late bedtimes then translate to HARD mornings. An 11 1/2 year old that WILL NOT get up, which means she misses a ride with the neighbors. A 10 year old that most of the time gets up and gets ready on her own, but if one thing goes awry she has an anxiety attack and starts running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. An 8 year old that just simply moves at his own pace.....turtle slow, and thankfully a 6 1/2 year old that gets ready and does what she's asked when she's asked. It is this little one that said to me at orientation (in response to the teacher telling us how IMPORTANT it is to have our kids to school ON TIME) "That's going to be hard for you, isn't it Mama?"
Mornings and bedtime. Morning's were Brian's thing with the kids up until earlier this year. He would get them up and take them to school. He would let me sleep in, knowing that I loved to do that. He was a great dad and an awesome husband. Bedtime was the time where we would sit on the couch together and watch an hour or two of t.v. that we had recorded. Right now I think I have almost 40 hours of shows waiting for me and by the time the kids are finally in bed I am too tired to watch them. I know that I can't stay up late like I used to because now it is up to me, and ONLY me to get the kids up, dressed, fed and to school.....hopefully ON TIME. I get home every morning after dropping my kids off at school and most days I just sit in my car looking at my house. I know it is empty. I know he is not in there waiting for me. I know the tears will fall as soon as I walk through the door. If I had to pick, I'd say that mornings are harder than bedtime, because once the kids are off to school, I am alone. Completely alone. It is up to me to make something out of the day. I used to go back to bed, it was such a good escape, but now, I don't do that, I guess that's a good thing.
Mornings and bedtime. The times when I miss him SO VERY much. Crazy times. However, I am so very lucky to have my four kids to make those times crazy. I assume (HOPE!) that at one point we will fall into some kind of routine that will help these times be less crazy and hard. Right now there are five of us dealing with the loss of husband, dad, and friend. As time goes on, things will change. Emotions will be less raw. The loss will forever be there, and I know it will sneak in when we least expect it, but we will make it through this, one morning, one bedtime, at a time.
Mornings and bedtime, the two hardest parts of the day. Hard for so many reasons. Waking up to not having my handsome husband next to me, and going to bed completely exhausted yet unable to fall asleep. Instead I wake up to one of four kids next to me in the bed, having stolen my covers during the night, something Brian never did. He always made sure I was covered if he was moving around. At night I blow a kiss into the air and tell him "goodnight, I love you". I did this last week thinking my daughter was already asleep, then from the other side of the bed I heard a whisper, "I love you too, Mama". That created a smile wrapped in sadness.
Mornings and bedtime. The two times of the day that the fact that he's gone is SO much more evident. Kids that won't go to bed. I get one child to do what I ask and the other three scatter like mice. Get child number two under control, and child number one forgets what they were supposed to be doing and joins three and four....you get the picture. The late bedtimes then translate to HARD mornings. An 11 1/2 year old that WILL NOT get up, which means she misses a ride with the neighbors. A 10 year old that most of the time gets up and gets ready on her own, but if one thing goes awry she has an anxiety attack and starts running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. An 8 year old that just simply moves at his own pace.....turtle slow, and thankfully a 6 1/2 year old that gets ready and does what she's asked when she's asked. It is this little one that said to me at orientation (in response to the teacher telling us how IMPORTANT it is to have our kids to school ON TIME) "That's going to be hard for you, isn't it Mama?"
Mornings and bedtime. Morning's were Brian's thing with the kids up until earlier this year. He would get them up and take them to school. He would let me sleep in, knowing that I loved to do that. He was a great dad and an awesome husband. Bedtime was the time where we would sit on the couch together and watch an hour or two of t.v. that we had recorded. Right now I think I have almost 40 hours of shows waiting for me and by the time the kids are finally in bed I am too tired to watch them. I know that I can't stay up late like I used to because now it is up to me, and ONLY me to get the kids up, dressed, fed and to school.....hopefully ON TIME. I get home every morning after dropping my kids off at school and most days I just sit in my car looking at my house. I know it is empty. I know he is not in there waiting for me. I know the tears will fall as soon as I walk through the door. If I had to pick, I'd say that mornings are harder than bedtime, because once the kids are off to school, I am alone. Completely alone. It is up to me to make something out of the day. I used to go back to bed, it was such a good escape, but now, I don't do that, I guess that's a good thing.
Mornings and bedtime. The times when I miss him SO VERY much. Crazy times. However, I am so very lucky to have my four kids to make those times crazy. I assume (HOPE!) that at one point we will fall into some kind of routine that will help these times be less crazy and hard. Right now there are five of us dealing with the loss of husband, dad, and friend. As time goes on, things will change. Emotions will be less raw. The loss will forever be there, and I know it will sneak in when we least expect it, but we will make it through this, one morning, one bedtime, at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment