*Sigh* Firsts.....

We made it through Christmas.  The first one of many without Brian.  I have always been adamant about the kids waking up in their own home on Christmas morning.  One year, six years ago to be exact, (just before our lives fell changed forever) we went to Alabama for Christmas to spend it with Brian's dad and step-mom.  That was the one and only year we did not stay home for Christmas.....until now.  I just couldn't be home this year, I could not wake up on Christmas morning without my Brian next to me in bed.  I couldn't do it, so the kids and I packed our stuff and spent Christmas Eve and Christmas night at my parents house.  I am so glad we did.

While I did everything I could to make Christmas special for our kids, and my parents did everything they could to make it special for me, it was still such a hard day.  I actually held it together pretty well, at least until just after dinner.  I admit, I did take a long nap to avoid part of the day, but that was nice, I felt like Brian was with me.  When my dad tried to wake me up I went back to sleep, I just wanted more time with him.  That was just before dinner, which is probably why I fell apart afterwards.  He wasn't there, he will never be there again.  Even I sat at the table with my family, with the people that love me the most in this world, I felt SO very ALONE.  I looked around the table and saw the faces of those I love, my parents, my kids, my brother and sister and their spouses, but I was alone, maybe not alone, but terribly lonely.  Widowhood is lonely.  After dinner I sat at the table, alone, and quietly sobbed.  I missed my Brian.  Soon, my brother and sister came and sat on either side of me, neither saying a word, just being there for me.  I love them for that.

We've had a lot of firsts in the short 3 1/2 months since Brian died.  Our daughter's 10th birthday, two weeks to the day after Brian died.  She said "I'm glad dad didn't die on my birthday, and I'm sad he won't be here to see me get my ears pierced."  November was a hard month, lots of firsts there.  Brian's birthday, which we made into a special day by going to Build-A-Bear Workshop and making bears which we put vials of Brian's ashes into, we had many of his favorite foods for dinner that night then we sent balloons with messages on them to Heaven for him and I gave the kids memory glass necklaces with Brian's ashes in them that I had made for them.  The next day was Thanksgiving, Brian's favorite holiday, so I struggled through that one, two days later it was my birthday, which was SO much harder than Brian's.  In rolls December and with it our son turned 8.  That day was also the same day that Brian and I started dating, we would have been together 25 years on that day.  Christmas was the hardest of all though, at least so far, but, like I said, we made it through.  On the other hand, did I really have a choice?  There will be more firsts coming soon, our oldest daughters 12th birthday in February and our baby's (she will be 7) in April....then there will be a reprieve on special occasion firsts until August 7th, which would be our 19th anniversary.  The kids will be at camp that week.....maybe I'll find somewhere tropical to go and hide.

I have heard from other widows that the first year is hard, the second year is harder.  I mentioned this to my dad and he said to me "Can you imagine things being any harder than they are now?"  No, I really can't, so I hope that means that next year is a little easier.  So, as of right now we are headed towards another first.....New Years Eve.....and I have NO idea what the kids and I are going to do.  I'm sure this next first will bring back a flood of memories of all the New Years Eve's we spent together, 25 of them, and all of the hopes and dreams we shared.  New Years Eve.....2012.....it HAS to be a better year, I don't think it can be much worse.