I used to be......

There are a LOT of ways I could complete that sentence, but this is the one that is on my mind the most.  I used to be happy.  I used to be a wife.  I used to be Brian's wife.  Right now, I am not any of those.  Happiness sneaks in on occasion, but not often, and the other two....well, there is nothing that can be done about that at this point. 

All I ever wanted with my life was to be married and have kids.  Truly, that was my goal.  I met Brian when I was 17 and was a senior in high school.  I remember him looking at me one day after we'd been dating for just a couple of months and saying "I'm going to marry you someday."  I thought at that point, yea, right!  Little did I know..... We got married 6 1/2 years after we started dating and were married for 18 years and 27 days. In my opinion this is about 40 years (give or take a few) too short.  I had what I wanted in my life, a loving husband and 4 great kids.  Now, it is just me and the kids and I feel really lost without Brian, without his love and companionship.  I am SO VERY lucky to have the kids, because they truly are reflections of him in one way or another.  They are my stars, for they are helping to guide me through the darkness.

Brian and I had one of those relationships where all big decisions were made together.  Where we worked out our disagreements before we went to bed, so that we wouldn't go to bed mad.  We loved each other completely and were very trusting in one another.  I largely defined myself as a wife, as Brian's wife.  That is not to say I did not, or do not, have my own identity, but Brian's death has certainly put that into question.  All of a sudden I DON'T know who I am or what I want to do.  I find myself just trying to keep busy and looking forward to bedtime, knowing that the end of this day means I am one day closer to being with him again.  It is going to be a LONG 40 (give or take a few) years.

We didn't have a perfect life, there were hard times, but I know that he loved me no matter what.  I knew that he would never leave me, at least not in any way he could control.  I know that I was his reason for living, his reason for fighting.  He loved me so much that when he was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer he told my dad that if he died, he wanted me to get remarried someday.  He wanted me to find someone that loved me and our kids as much as he did, and that it was my dad's job to make sure I never felt guilty about that.  One night he told me the same thing.  He told me that I was too beautiful and too good a person to be alone for the rest of my life.  That to me is the essence of love.  Brian and I fit together well, he grounded me and I gave him wings.  I hope that the things he taught me help me through the next few months and years, and I hope the wings I gave him have him flying high as an angel in the clouds.

I love you Brian, and I always will.  I hope that as I wind my way through widowhood that I again find happiness.  I hope at some point that I am able to find love and be a wife again.  Before that happens I need to figure out who I am.  For now, I am a mother and truthfully, I am still Brian's wife.......