That song....

It has been 18 months since Brian died.  A year and a half....I am amazed at how far I have come and how much I have changed in that amount of time.  I no longer cry all the time and I don't feel "raw" anymore.  I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me and my kids.  I am happy.  Does all of this mean that I am "healed" or that I am no longer grieving?  No.  Even now there are still those moments that make me freeze and bring instant tears to my eyes.  This morning was one of those moments.

I walked into my room and the song playing on the radio was Nicklebacks "Far Away" and that song ALWAYS makes me cry.  The lyrics of this song cut deep and grab my heart. 

Some think that because I have a new love in my life that instances like hearing a song shouldn't affect me the way it does.  I will be the first to tell you that new love does not replace the old, it does not replace the loss.  It is an amazing addition to my life and it is clear that the ability to love another so completely is a natural thing.

New love though does not take away all of the widow moments.  Thankfully I have a man in my life that is not threatened by my love for Brian.  I have a man that holds me through my tears and even cries with me sometimes.  This morning while that song played he held me tight....he loved me through the moment.

Later this afternoon, while I was out and about, another song came on the radio.  This one is also one that grabs my heart, because it is the song that Victor sent to me one day.  It is the song that he says portrays exactly how he feels about me and about us, Jason Mraz "I won't Give Up". 

This time, instead of tears I smiled and I thought about how lucky I am to have had the love of not one, but two wonderful men in my life.  How I am so thankful to have the chance to love and be loved again.  I thought about how while I am and will always be Brian's widow, I now have a new title....Vic's girl...and I love that....

It just....IS

I was ready to give up....this whole dating thing wasn't going my way.  I was meeting people, some I even thought had the possibility of becoming someone important in our lives, but it wasn't happening.  I decided to do what all of my friends were suggesting...just date and have fun, stop looking for the next love of my life.

The funny thing is, when I stopped looking I found him. His name is Victor.

I saw this man's profile and thought "Woah! He's new on here and CUTE!"  Now, my experience had been that anyone I was interested in was not interested in me, BUT, I was in a sassy mood that day so I took a chance.....I sent him a quick note...."Can I just say....WOW! ....Nuff said....."  You see, this guy was attractive and a bodybuilder, WAY out of my comfort zone.  I never imagined that he would respond to me....but he did....in all of three minutes!  We spent that whole day messaging back and forth.  We messaged and texted for about a week and a half, and he kept saying that he'd like to meet me but then would back off.  Finally one day I asked if he really wanted to meet me, he sounded surprised and said emphatically "Yes!"  I told him that he had better ask me out then....and he did....

We met for a drink (and when I say drink I mean diet cokes, LOL!) on a Sunday afternoon, went for a short walk and then (hold on to your seats) went to Walmart because I had errands to do.  Romantic, huh?  On the way back to his place he looked at me and asked "So, what are the chances of me seeing you again?" Wait!  Did he just ask me that?  THAT'S a first!  My response?  "What are the chances you'd LIKE to see me again?"  His reply "100%, that's why I asked!"

The next day his car broke down so I gave him a ride to the gym, the day after that he went with me to do errands again (I know, so very romantic, but hey....I am an only parent of four and I have to get my errands done while they are in school!) and the next day, Dec. 5th, he went with me to the Dells to get a kitten.  We talked the whole time.  It was Tucker's birthday and I broke the biggest rule I had made for myself when it came to dating (not introducing anyone to my kids until I knew they were going to stick around)....I invited him over for dinner.

It got late and I didn't want to leave the kids to take him home, so he slept on my couch that night.....and he never went back home.  Wait!  What?!?  Did she just say that?  Yep, I did.  It wasn't exactly what either one of us expected to happen, but it just....did.  I have tried to rationalize it and explain it, but the best I can come up with is: It just....IS.  We just happened.  It...just...feels...right...

Wanna know the crazy thing about this?  The day we first started talking was Nov. 23rd, Brian's birthday and the day he came and stayed (the day we are considering our "anniversary") was Dec. 5th, which was the same day Brian and I started dating so many years ago....Coincidence?  I don't think so.  I had always believed that Brian would hand pick the right man for his family, and the more I get to know Victor the more I realize that if he and Brian had met they would have been really good friends.  That comforts me.  I truly believe that he was Brian's birthday gift to me.

Time will tell if this is something that will last a lifetime, but for now it is good....no, it is better than good....it is pretty awesome.

Happy... :)

The other day I got one of the nicest compliments that I have ever had.  I was at my yearly physical, and my nurse looked at me and smiled and said "Happy looks really good on you!".  Awww....that was a great thing to hear, and you know what?  The best part is that it is TRUE.  I AM happy.  I have been traveling on this winding path of widowhood for 14 months now, and happy is not a word I felt like I would have used to describe myself for a LONG time.  I never imagined that I would actually be able to smile again the way I used to before Brian died, but I can, and it is a genuine smile, not the fake one I displayed for so long.

There are a lot of things that have contributed to this feeling of happiness and well being that I feel.  I have done a lot of things for myself in the last 14 months.  I lost a significant amount of weight when Brian died and I have kept it off (though I never recommend my diet!) and I have been walking daily to help keep it off and ward away my anxiety.  I joined a young widows support group, went to Camp Hope (three times) and twice went to Camp Widow.

I have to say that Camp Widow was one of the BEST things I could have ever done for myself.  I went to the first one feeling numb and the people I met and the classes I took (being at a resort on the ocean didn't hurt either!) helped me to come out of my cocoon.  The second time I went I know that my butterfly wings grew bigger, brighter and more beautiful.  I came home feeling....different, and that feeling has stayed and grown.  I am doing my best to nurture myself and continue to heal.

"Happy looks really good on you!"  You know what?  Happy is an AWESOME feeling....

Daylight savings

As of yesterday I have been a widow for 14 months.  It is hard to believe that it has been that long.  Today, for whatever reason, I am having a BAD widow day, missing my Brian more than usual.  I can't explain it, sometimes the crushing sadness just hits for seemingly no reason.  Though even in the sadness, there are funny memories that make me laugh, and today daylight savings brought one on....

Several years ago Brian and I spent a Sunday doing things around the house.  No tv, no radio and we didn't go anywhere.  We just hung out at home.  9:00 pm comes around so we sat down to watch the X-Files, one of our very favorite shows.  The X-Files was just ending, and I remember saying to him "Maybe they showed an extra one for some reason".  Then the news came on, huh?  We looked at each other in confusion and then realized that it was daylight savings and we had "sprung foward"!  We lost an hour in a matter of seconds and both laughed hysterically at the fact that we spent our whole day not knowing what time it was!  Of course, then we were really bummed that we had missed our show, haha!

I miss my Sundays with Brian.  I guess today I am missing him just a little more.....My winding path of widowhood is a little curvier today and I have cried enough tears to form a stream next to it.  But then I remember the silly, goofy things like not knowing it is daylight savings, and a little smile crosses my face through my tears.  Tomorrow will be another day and hopefully my path will level out and the sun will make my river of tears sparkle....

I did it again....

"Once in a while, in an ordinary life, LOVE gives you a Fairy Tale". 

This is another one of those "stand before you naked" blogs.  I promised myself when I started writing these that I would be honest and true.  That regardless of the situation I would tell my story, no matter how painful or embarrassing it may be...so here I go again....

Dating....I have to say that this is not an easy adventure and I am not sure that I am enjoying the experience.  I am actually questioning my sanity and whether or not it is worth continuing down this path!  There is a steep learning curve on this dating thing, and just when I think I might have it the curve shifts and I fall off.  Yet, for some reason I continue to move down this slippery slope....

So, I did it again....I fell again....and this time I fell harder than the first....I met someone that at first I said no to.  Why did I say no?  Because he is 6'4 and for those that don't know me I am all of 4'10 (and a half!).  I told him I couldn't meet him because he is a foot and a half taller than me and I was sure I would look like a little kid next to him.  One Saturday morning one of my friends and I were talking about this situation as we walked around the Farmer's Market. She was trying to convince me that I shouldn't turn someone down because of his height.  There happened to be a man about that height nearby, so I looked at her and said "Let me demonstrate".  I sauntered over to this man, stood next to him, turned around and smiled.  My friend couldn't help but laugh.  She agreed that I did indeed look tiny....but still said that I should take a chance....

As this guy was trying to convince me to meet him, he suggested that we go out to dinner sometime and he could sit across from me where he wouldn't look so tall and we could discuss this height issue I had.  He said that way I "could try on the shoe to see if it fit (fairy tale reference)"....how sweet was THAT?  Given the fact that he didn't give up when I said no, and instead took it as a challenge, he wore me down and even after everything I have been through I still believe in fairy tales and happy endings, so I decided to take that chance....

It didn't take long for me to realize that this man was someone that I wanted to get to know better.  He talked with such pride about his children, which was one of the first things to make me soften.  He would text me good morning and call me regularly.  In the beginning we would talk for hours, sometimes we would just sit in silence on the phone and somehow that was never uncomfortable.  He had this way of looking at me that made me feel like I was the most amazing thing he had ever seen.  He looked at me with a smile on his face at the end of our first meeting and said "What's the date? September 1st, remember this date, it is going to be a good one for both of us!".  When he kissed me for the first time I have to admit, it was one of the most incredible kisses I have ever had....I floated through the rest of the day with a smile on my face....

For our second date he made dinner for me.  We had an awesome night.  We talked about dating and the fact that he hadn't dated for a while because he had decided to get a dog.  I joked and told him to let me know if and when my status was more important than the dogs.  I really liked spending time with him.  He just felt....right.  For as big as that shoe was, I liked the way it seemed to fit.  However, what I didn't realize was that the shoe I was trying on was a running shoe....

What happened?  I....have....no....idea....  The last time I saw him he talked about "the next few times we get together"....and I haven't seen him since then.  I left his house that last time feeling like things were good, feeling confident that he would not do the same thing to me as the other men I had met had done, and that was to just disappear.  I must be really naive, because that is exactly what happened. 

The hardest part for me is the lack of closure, the fact that I don't know WHY he never called again.  I don't understand how you can look at someone the way he looked at me, talk about "the next few times", tell me that "there is definitely a physical attraction" and then just be gone.  He seemed to have such integrity, I truly didn't see it coming.  I realized the other day that part of what makes this so hard is because with Brian I didn't have a choice, I had NO control over the situation.  It didn't matter WHAT I did, because there was nothing I could do to save him.  With dating, I keep wondering "what if I had done this", "should I have done that?", "maybe I shouldn't have done this".  The woulda, coulda, shoulda's are brutal, and in the end I am left struggling, hurting and wondering what happened. 

I really (I mean REALLY!!) liked this man, and truth be told, I still do.  I miss him, and it both amazes and scares me how he got into my heart THAT fast.  I thought there was something there, like there was the potential for something real with him.  I don't want whatever it was becoming to be over.  My friends are again telling me that he isn't worth another thought, that it is his loss.  They keep telling me that I am going to kiss a lot of toads before the right man comes along.  I didn't think he was a toad....I thought he was Prince Charming....  One of my daughters asked last week "Mama, has ***** called?".  When I said no, she said "That's too bad Mama, he just doesn't know how great you really are!".  Apparently he doesn't.....let's see: dog....girlfriend....dog....girlfriend....I guess he picked the dog....

The first year is hard...the second year is harder...

The first year is hard, the second year is harder.  Just after Brian died this is what I was told by another widow.  It was the kind of encouragement I DIDN'T need.  That statement scared me half to death because I couldn't IMAGINE feeling any worse than I did at that point. As of today I am 52 days into my second year....do I think it is harder?  No, but it is different. 

Some widows have said that the second year brings on the realization that he is never coming back.  I have never questioned that....I have never expected him to walk through my front door.  I know he is gone, at least in a physical sense.  One widowed friend said that with each passing day she misses her husband more and more.  I miss Brian, but the pain of missing him has lessened. 

For me though, the second year has brought on incredible feelings of loneliness.  For as long as I can remember all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother.  I had that, and I was happy.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom, I would not trade my kids for anything, but I miss being a wife.  I saw a sign the other day that said "I don't need to be a good cook, I'm a trophy wife!".  I had to laugh because I am NOT a good cook and Brian ALWAYS called me his trophy wife, in fact that is what he had programmed into his cell phone for me...Trophy Wife.  I almost bought the sign, but then I realized it didn't fit anymore...I am no longer a wife.  I don't mind being alone, but I hate being lonely.

The second year is different.  I honestly didn"t expect this.  I knew that the anniversary of his death would be hard, and it was, but I didn't expect the whole month of September to be so hard.  I couldn't wait for it to be over.  Well, we are well into October and I am still in a funk.  Maybe it is because we have the holidays just around the corner.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years...His birthday, my birthday and Tucker's birthday are all coming up quickly.  This is the year I will be the same age as Brian when he died.  He would tease me on my birthday about me getting older and I would always reply "I'll never be as old as YOU!"  This year I will be, and that hurts. 

The first year was hard.  Adjusting to life without Brian, adjusting to life as an only parent.  Accepting that this is the way it is.  The second year....well, it has only just begun, and while I am sure that I will survive the second year as I survived the first, I hope it has some better things in store for us.  I do know this....the second year is NO WHERE NEAR as hard as the first.  I am sure that along the path of widowhood in this second year that I will encounter some deep ravines, but I also know that there will be more breathtaking views.....and along the way there will be reminders of Brian and the incredible man that he was....

Say his name....

Brian.  My husbands name was Brian.  I talk about him all the time.  I do not refer to him as my "late" husband, I simply refer to him as my husband.  I talk about him in the present tense, about things he liked to do and the things he did with the kids and how he wanted to raise them.  I guess I talk about him that way because he is still here, in my heart.  He will always be in my heart.

So many people ask me how I am doing, how the kids are doing, but they don't talk about Brian.  No one wants to make me cry.  I am here to tell you that it is okay for you to talk about him.  I WANT you to talk about him.  He was my husband, my best friend, the father of my children.  There is nothing that you can say that will make me cry.....that doesn't mean I WON'T tear up, it just means that you are not the cause of those tears.  In fact, it makes me more sad when you don't mention him.  He will forever be a part of me.  He was funny and quick witted and one of the smartest people I have ever known. 

Say his name....while it may bring tears, it will also bring happiness.  Happiness at the fact that he was loved not only by me, but by others too.  He was here...he existed...he loved and was loved...he is missed.

Brian...say his name with a smile on your lips as you remember your favorite memory of him.

B - Beautiful
R - Respectful
I - Interesting
A - Amazing
N - Nice (but sometimes Naughty!)

D - Dad

P - Polite
O - Outrageous
C - Cute
H - Husband
E - Energetic
L - Loving

Brian...my husband's name was Brian...and I will love him for the rest of my life.