Angel Day - Year 4....

September 3rd, 2015. It's Angel Day. On this day 4 years ago my family's lives were forever changed when Brian died. He was a great husband, father, son, son-in-law, brother, brother-in-law, uncle, friend, Chiropractor... the world is NOT a better place without him. We miss him and there have been a lot of tears in our home the last few days. I am taking my kids out of school early today and we are going to go to Devils Lake and have a picnic, maybe swim or rent a kayak (I always feel closer to Brian when I'm on the water). We will eat steak sandwiches (one of his favorite foods) and send sky lanterns with messages to Heaven. We will let him know that our love for him is still very much alive.

 This is a day of reflection for me. Ive been thinking about how my life has changed. One of the biggest things that helped me to be where I am right now is Camp Widow. I LOVE Camp Widow! At the most recent Camp, in Michele Neff Hernandez's (founder of Soaring Spirits International) key note address she said some things that really made a difference to me, things that made me think.

"You will not outgrow your widowhood, but you will grow into it."

I HAVE grown into it, in fact, I embrace that it has helped mold me into who I am today. Strong. Independent. Loving. Aware.... Don't get me wrong, I HATE being a widow. I HATE that my husband died. But I don't hate the word widow. To me the word widow says I loved and was loved, I still do, and I still am. I am at a point in my winding path of widowhood that it is time to pay it forward. I am starting a Soaring Spirits Regional Group to help other widowed people to feel the love and support of our widowed community. I never imagined 4 years ago that I could be in a place to to something like this.

 "You have to evolve into what you love about you"

This is a hard one... especially for someone who is widowed. So much of my life was changed when Brian died. From the time I was 17 it was always "Brian and Sheryl" "Sheryl and Brian". After 25 years it is not an easy thing to all of a sudden be just "Sheryl". It has been a process to evolve into who I am at this moment. I continue to evolve. I am proud of who I am. I love who I am. I am (relatively) happy with my life, there is still some tweaking to be done, but I'm getting there!

 "You have the choice to create and craft your future and how you want it to look"

There is no question, my future is significantly different than what Brian and I planned it to be. Our plan was always to get his clinic to a solid stable place and then I was going to be able to do whatever I wanted with my career. It would have been SO much easier to do what I want with him encouraging and supporting me. It would have been easier knowing I had his income to rely on while I created and crafted my dreams. SO many things would be easier if he were here... Creating and crafting my future is, well, TERRIFYING. I have the opportunity to do whatever I want, but along with that opportunity comes the fact that that task is VERY BIG. Most of the time it is still too big for me to even think about. It is scary. I am starting small, and the good thing is that I am finally starting. I know how I want my future to look and I am starting to create that.... I have some ideas... and finally feel like I'm in a place where I can start putting them into motion.

 "I love you so much that I will live for you"

This one is my FAVORITE. You know how people say "I love you so much I would die for you!"? Well, let me tell you... if that happens THEY AREN'T DOING YOU ANY FAVORS! Brian and I used to have the same argument, he'd say "I could die from this!"and I'd say "If you do that means I have to live the rest of my life without you!" I don't think there was ever a winner to this argument, because neither option was good, but I can sure say that living without him has been the most painful experience I have ever had. Instead of the cliché "I would die for you" I am saying "I love you so much that I will LIVE for you!".

I will continue to live my life. I will be happy. I may even find love again someday. I will create and craft my future the way I want it to look. I will continue to evolve into a person that *I* love. I will do all of these things because that is what Brian wanted for me, and... I deserve it. I will live my life in color.

 My winding path of widowhood is no longer as windy, but it is a path that I will forever be on. There are still occasional twists and turns, but most days are filled with sunshine and the days of the deep dark forest are behind me. I will continue to live... because I love him enough to live for him and I love ME enough to live in color!

Widow Rant

Warning... widow rant coming...
Everyone always says that I'm so strong... but I wish I were stronger. Maybe it is because Brian died which threw me into a life I wasn't prepared for, or maybe it is just who I am, but I am so easily hurt. I wish I could just brush it off, but often I can't. I find it hard to trust, but once I do there is no going back and it rocks my world when I feel that the trust has been broken. I miss that feeling of security that my husband provided... I miss knowing that no matter WHAT happened he would always be there. I hate days like this... the ones where all I do is cry and feel completely alone... it's a bad widow day...

Is it over yet?

December 29, 2013... The kids had a good Christmas... I cried.  The kids are enjoying their break... I am curled up in my bed, crying.  New Years Eve is coming... I am dreading it... and crying in advance.  I am apparently back in the throes of grief.  I am missing my life and feeling terribly alone. People like to remind me that I have my kids, they tell me I should focus on them... that they love me, which is true... but the love of my children does not fill the hole in my heart.

The New Year brings the promise of new beginnings... and in the beginning of this year I was deliriously happy with the direction my life was taking... I had a new man in my life and there was instant chemistry, I was once again in love... but as time went on I discovered that he was not what he seemed.  Sadly, he created another hole in my heart... As the new year approaches I am viewing it with dread.  I don't see the promise of new beginnings. I WANT a new beginning... judge me all you want... but this is honesty speaking... I WANT a man in my life.  The RIGHT man.  Brian gave me the gift of a complete love.  He gave me the gift of telling me that he wanted me to be happy after he died,  that it is OK for me to love someone else.  I want that complete love again.  I miss it, and I know full well that new love does not replace the love I have for Brian, but instead adds to the beauty of my life.

Don't get me wrong... I have beauty in my life.  I love my kids to the moon and back.  I have GREAT friends that have listened to my drama over and over and over...  many of whom are widows as well so they GET me.  I have a supportive family that sticks with me through thick and thin.  All of these people in my life are amazing... but they don't fill that hole, and for some reason right now that hole feels deeper and more raw. 

I know from experience that grief is clouding my vision... sooner or later the cloud will lift and I will see the possibilities that 2014 will bring.  For now though I have come to a dark forest on the winding path of widowhood.  I will eventually emerge from the forest and see the beauty and the possibilites... and who knows? Maybe there will be that perfect man standing in the sunlight just waiting for me... ;)

That song....

It has been 18 months since Brian died.  A year and a half....I am amazed at how far I have come and how much I have changed in that amount of time.  I no longer cry all the time and I don't feel "raw" anymore.  I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me and my kids.  I am happy.  Does all of this mean that I am "healed" or that I am no longer grieving?  No.  Even now there are still those moments that make me freeze and bring instant tears to my eyes.  This morning was one of those moments.

I walked into my room and the song playing on the radio was Nicklebacks "Far Away" and that song ALWAYS makes me cry.  The lyrics of this song cut deep and grab my heart. 

Some think that because I have a new love in my life that instances like hearing a song shouldn't affect me the way it does.  I will be the first to tell you that new love does not replace the old, it does not replace the loss.  It is an amazing addition to my life and it is clear that the ability to love another so completely is a natural thing.

New love though does not take away all of the widow moments.  Thankfully I have a man in my life that is not threatened by my love for Brian.  I have a man that holds me through my tears and even cries with me sometimes.  This morning while that song played he held me tight....he loved me through the moment.

Later this afternoon, while I was out and about, another song came on the radio.  This one is also one that grabs my heart, because it is the song that Victor sent to me one day.  It is the song that he says portrays exactly how he feels about me and about us, Jason Mraz "I won't Give Up". 

This time, instead of tears I smiled and I thought about how lucky I am to have had the love of not one, but two wonderful men in my life.  How I am so thankful to have the chance to love and be loved again.  I thought about how while I am and will always be Brian's widow, I now have a new title....Vic's girl...and I love that....

It just....IS

I was ready to give up....this whole dating thing wasn't going my way.  I was meeting people, some I even thought had the possibility of becoming someone important in our lives, but it wasn't happening.  I decided to do what all of my friends were suggesting...just date and have fun, stop looking for the next love of my life.

The funny thing is, when I stopped looking I found him. His name is Victor.

I saw this man's profile and thought "Woah! He's new on here and CUTE!"  Now, my experience had been that anyone I was interested in was not interested in me, BUT, I was in a sassy mood that day so I took a chance.....I sent him a quick note...."Can I just say....WOW! ....Nuff said....."  You see, this guy was attractive and a bodybuilder, WAY out of my comfort zone.  I never imagined that he would respond to me....but he did....in all of three minutes!  We spent that whole day messaging back and forth.  We messaged and texted for about a week and a half, and he kept saying that he'd like to meet me but then would back off.  Finally one day I asked if he really wanted to meet me, he sounded surprised and said emphatically "Yes!"  I told him that he had better ask me out then....and he did....

We met for a drink (and when I say drink I mean diet cokes, LOL!) on a Sunday afternoon, went for a short walk and then (hold on to your seats) went to Walmart because I had errands to do.  Romantic, huh?  On the way back to his place he looked at me and asked "So, what are the chances of me seeing you again?" Wait!  Did he just ask me that?  THAT'S a first!  My response?  "What are the chances you'd LIKE to see me again?"  His reply "100%, that's why I asked!"

The next day his car broke down so I gave him a ride to the gym, the day after that he went with me to do errands again (I know, so very romantic, but hey....I am an only parent of four and I have to get my errands done while they are in school!) and the next day, Dec. 5th, he went with me to the Dells to get a kitten.  We talked the whole time.  It was Tucker's birthday and I broke the biggest rule I had made for myself when it came to dating (not introducing anyone to my kids until I knew they were going to stick around)....I invited him over for dinner.

It got late and I didn't want to leave the kids to take him home, so he slept on my couch that night.....and he never went back home.  Wait!  What?!?  Did she just say that?  Yep, I did.  It wasn't exactly what either one of us expected to happen, but it just....did.  I have tried to rationalize it and explain it, but the best I can come up with is: It just....IS.  We just happened.  It...just...feels...right...

Wanna know the crazy thing about this?  The day we first started talking was Nov. 23rd, Brian's birthday and the day he came and stayed (the day we are considering our "anniversary") was Dec. 5th, which was the same day Brian and I started dating so many years ago....Coincidence?  I don't think so.  I had always believed that Brian would hand pick the right man for his family, and the more I get to know Victor the more I realize that if he and Brian had met they would have been really good friends.  That comforts me.  I truly believe that he was Brian's birthday gift to me.

Time will tell if this is something that will last a lifetime, but for now it is good....no, it is better than good....it is pretty awesome.

Happy... :)

The other day I got one of the nicest compliments that I have ever had.  I was at my yearly physical, and my nurse looked at me and smiled and said "Happy looks really good on you!".  Awww....that was a great thing to hear, and you know what?  The best part is that it is TRUE.  I AM happy.  I have been traveling on this winding path of widowhood for 14 months now, and happy is not a word I felt like I would have used to describe myself for a LONG time.  I never imagined that I would actually be able to smile again the way I used to before Brian died, but I can, and it is a genuine smile, not the fake one I displayed for so long.

There are a lot of things that have contributed to this feeling of happiness and well being that I feel.  I have done a lot of things for myself in the last 14 months.  I lost a significant amount of weight when Brian died and I have kept it off (though I never recommend my diet!) and I have been walking daily to help keep it off and ward away my anxiety.  I joined a young widows support group, went to Camp Hope (three times) and twice went to Camp Widow.

I have to say that Camp Widow was one of the BEST things I could have ever done for myself.  I went to the first one feeling numb and the people I met and the classes I took (being at a resort on the ocean didn't hurt either!) helped me to come out of my cocoon.  The second time I went I know that my butterfly wings grew bigger, brighter and more beautiful.  I came home feeling....different, and that feeling has stayed and grown.  I am doing my best to nurture myself and continue to heal.

"Happy looks really good on you!"  You know what?  Happy is an AWESOME feeling....

Daylight savings

As of yesterday I have been a widow for 14 months.  It is hard to believe that it has been that long.  Today, for whatever reason, I am having a BAD widow day, missing my Brian more than usual.  I can't explain it, sometimes the crushing sadness just hits for seemingly no reason.  Though even in the sadness, there are funny memories that make me laugh, and today daylight savings brought one on....

Several years ago Brian and I spent a Sunday doing things around the house.  No tv, no radio and we didn't go anywhere.  We just hung out at home.  9:00 pm comes around so we sat down to watch the X-Files, one of our very favorite shows.  The X-Files was just ending, and I remember saying to him "Maybe they showed an extra one for some reason".  Then the news came on, huh?  We looked at each other in confusion and then realized that it was daylight savings and we had "sprung foward"!  We lost an hour in a matter of seconds and both laughed hysterically at the fact that we spent our whole day not knowing what time it was!  Of course, then we were really bummed that we had missed our show, haha!

I miss my Sundays with Brian.  I guess today I am missing him just a little more.....My winding path of widowhood is a little curvier today and I have cried enough tears to form a stream next to it.  But then I remember the silly, goofy things like not knowing it is daylight savings, and a little smile crosses my face through my tears.  Tomorrow will be another day and hopefully my path will level out and the sun will make my river of tears sparkle....