7 years... and another first...

It is a hard time of year... the "countdown" to the 7th anniversary of Brian's death has begun. My body knew it before I did. I'm tired, sad, and just not myself. As stupid as it is to say, I wish Brian had NOT died over Labor Day weekend. Not that there is a good time, and it goes without saying that I wish he hadn't died AT ALL... but he did. The beginning of school is also around Labor Day. Each school year brings excitement for what is to come and sadness for what was, all at once. It is not an easy balance. This year it brought something new, something that I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around. Something I didn't want to happen. Something I wasn't ready for. Something that has me crying non-stop... Hannah, my first born, my high school graduate, my college Freshman has moved out. I feel more broken now than I have in a long time...

I should be happy and proud that I have raised a daughter that is independent, mature, and is working hard for what she wants. I AM happy and proud, but, I am also devastated that she is gone. I literally can't stop crying. I've watched on Facebook as her friends parents are dropping their kids off at colleges hours away and I have NO idea how they are doing it. Hannah is going to school in Madison, and her apartment is no more than 20 minutes away. Still, not having her HERE is incredibly painful. More so than I would have imagined. My heart hurts in a way that I didn't expect.

Hannah was born on Feb 5, 2000. She was born on my grandpa's birthday and named after my grandma. She was my third pregnancy and first born. I had her name picked out long before she was a true thought, and I bought her nursery bedding years before she was born. For as long as I can remember I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother, so Hannah was my dream come true. After she was born I would hold her for hours...
         

I never wanted to put her down, and this is a lot like that. I wasn't (am not) ready to let her go, but, this is what she wants. Hannah is mature beyond her years and has been for a long time. Losing your dad at the age of 11, after watching him die from cancer will do that to a kid. I'm IMMENSELY proud of who she is and I know that because of who she is she will be able to accomplish whatever she sets her mind to. She is like her dad that way. I always knew that Hannah would be my child to spread her wings and fly, not because she is the oldest, but because of her drive and determination. Again, she gets that from her dad.


This morning as I was texting with my best friend Jane and telling her how broken I feel she said this: "Things are changing and they are going to keep changing because that's how life is. It doesn't have to be a bad thing though. Kids grow up and have to go out on their own. I know your heart is breaking, but it is what Hannah wants. She is happy to be moving out. So... you just have to support her and try to be ok with this. And you will be in time. You just have to get used to her being gone. She's not gone forever like Brian. Hannah is still here. She's just minutes away from you. She's not in another state. You gave her the wings to fly... now you have to let her use them. It will be ok. It won't be the same, but it will be ok." True words from one widowed mother to another. I know she is right, but I can't help but wonder how this would feel if Brian were alive and well. I know it would still be hard, but I suspect it wouldn't feel like as big of a loss.

Fly my little dragonfly, go far in this big beautiful world. Just know that home is where your heart is, and YOU are my heart. You have been my constant companion on my winding path of widowhood and I made it to the sunny place in part because of you. I love you Hannah Kathryn.

19 years...*sigh*

August 7, 2012...19 years.  That is how long we would have been married had Brian not died.  19 years.  Wow.  This is one of my last big "firsts".  The next one coming up is the anniversary of his death...after that, I am done with "firsts", well, at least the big ones like birthdays, holidays and anniversaries.  I'm sure along the way there will be more, but they will come and go.  The day before my anniversary I was a wreck.  I cried at everything.  As I was on my way home from an appointment I was near where my brother works.  I was again in tears and thought "I need a hug" so I stopped.  There was no one in the reception area so I texted him and told him I was there.  His response "why?".  Before I could answer he was standing in front of me and I was once again in tears.  I told him I needed to be with someone who knew me and he said to me with a smirk "and you thought of me?"  Even in the hardest times he picks on me, but he did make me laugh, just a little.....

The day of my anniversary I was in a better mood.  No tears, and I felt truly happy.  So, what did this widow do to mark the event?  I did several things....

I had my wedding band engraved with "You are my Heaven"  I believe that if Brian could say anything to me at this point, that is what it would be.  He loved me more than anyone else on this earth.  I was home for him.  I wear my ring on my right hand, above my Mother's ring with Brian's wedding band below.  Our children surrounded by the love and commitment of their parents.......

I had my engagement ring and the left over gold from Brian's wedding band made into an eternity pendant.  It is stunning and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  I have not worn my engagement ring for months and it feels good to have it on. His ashes are on the back of it, so he is close to my heart.....

I bought myself diamond earrings.....For years, every, and I mean EVERY, birthday, holiday, and anniversary Brian would ask me what I wanted.  My response was always the same: Diamond earrings.  In fact, I said it so much that this past Christmas one of the kids asked me what I wanted and another one yelled out "diamond earrings!"  I never got them.  Actually, he did go to buy them for me one time for our anniversary, however he ended up buying me a gorgeous set of blue zircon earrings and a matching necklace (and there are diamonds IN the set!).  He said that he kept going back and forth between the diamond earrings and this set and he couldn't resist the set.  He said that they were such a beautiful blue that he needed to get them for me.  They are indeed stunning and I love them to this day.

My favorite anniversary activity was that I got a tattoo.  Yep, a tattoo.  I had been wanting a memorial tattoo for a while, and finally decided on a design.  It is PERFECT!  I got it on the inside of my right wrist.  It is purple and says love.  The top part of the "L" forms a cancer ribbon and the rest of the "L" makes a heart.

It was a good day.  I cherished the memories of what Brian and I were together, and I created some memories of my own. I still miss him, that goes without saying, but I am happy, which is what he wanted for me. I celebrated his life and our marriage on that day, just me and it was an amazing day.
Happy Anniversary Brian,
Love, Me