Happy... :)

The other day I got one of the nicest compliments that I have ever had.  I was at my yearly physical, and my nurse looked at me and smiled and said "Happy looks really good on you!".  Awww....that was a great thing to hear, and you know what?  The best part is that it is TRUE.  I AM happy.  I have been traveling on this winding path of widowhood for 14 months now, and happy is not a word I felt like I would have used to describe myself for a LONG time.  I never imagined that I would actually be able to smile again the way I used to before Brian died, but I can, and it is a genuine smile, not the fake one I displayed for so long.

There are a lot of things that have contributed to this feeling of happiness and well being that I feel.  I have done a lot of things for myself in the last 14 months.  I lost a significant amount of weight when Brian died and I have kept it off (though I never recommend my diet!) and I have been walking daily to help keep it off and ward away my anxiety.  I joined a young widows support group, went to Camp Hope (three times) and twice went to Camp Widow.

I have to say that Camp Widow was one of the BEST things I could have ever done for myself.  I went to the first one feeling numb and the people I met and the classes I took (being at a resort on the ocean didn't hurt either!) helped me to come out of my cocoon.  The second time I went I know that my butterfly wings grew bigger, brighter and more beautiful.  I came home feeling....different, and that feeling has stayed and grown.  I am doing my best to nurture myself and continue to heal.

"Happy looks really good on you!"  You know what?  Happy is an AWESOME feeling....

Daylight savings

As of yesterday I have been a widow for 14 months.  It is hard to believe that it has been that long.  Today, for whatever reason, I am having a BAD widow day, missing my Brian more than usual.  I can't explain it, sometimes the crushing sadness just hits for seemingly no reason.  Though even in the sadness, there are funny memories that make me laugh, and today daylight savings brought one on....

Several years ago Brian and I spent a Sunday doing things around the house.  No tv, no radio and we didn't go anywhere.  We just hung out at home.  9:00 pm comes around so we sat down to watch the X-Files, one of our very favorite shows.  The X-Files was just ending, and I remember saying to him "Maybe they showed an extra one for some reason".  Then the news came on, huh?  We looked at each other in confusion and then realized that it was daylight savings and we had "sprung foward"!  We lost an hour in a matter of seconds and both laughed hysterically at the fact that we spent our whole day not knowing what time it was!  Of course, then we were really bummed that we had missed our show, haha!

I miss my Sundays with Brian.  I guess today I am missing him just a little more.....My winding path of widowhood is a little curvier today and I have cried enough tears to form a stream next to it.  But then I remember the silly, goofy things like not knowing it is daylight savings, and a little smile crosses my face through my tears.  Tomorrow will be another day and hopefully my path will level out and the sun will make my river of tears sparkle....