Then and Now

7 years ago Brian and I decided to take every Thursday during the summer and do something fun with our kids.  One Thursday we decided to take them to Governor Dodge State Park for the day.  We visited a waterfall and then spent the day playing at the beach.  We had a picnic lunch.  I remember as we were pulling into the park we were talking about putting in an offer on a bigger house.  I was insisting....he was resisting....finally he sighed and said "Fine, we will put an offer in, but if I am getting an ulcer I'm blaming YOU!"  In hindsight this statement stays in my head like a nauseating, pounding headache that won't go away.  (We did put an offer in on the house, but thankfully didn't get it.)  That was the first time I remember Brian talking about having stomach problems.  That was our last summer of freedom from fear.  It was a time of great hope and planning for our future.  Our kids were so young, 5, 3, 1 and 2 months.  Our family was complete and our future looked bright....
 
Memorial Day weekend I took the kids camping at Governor Dodge State Park.  It is the first time we have been there in 7 years.  We went with my brother, sister-in-law and some of their friends.  I had never camped before I met Brian, and camping without him seems so.....wrong.  Another first...our first camping trip without him.  It was a bittersweet experience.  As we pulled into the park it was raining.  I quietly asked Brian to make it stop so that we didn't have to set up our tent in the rain.  Not only did it stop raining, but a beautiful rainbow appeared.







 I still love my husband so much, even now he is so amazing.  We had a really good time camping, though we all missed having Brian there.  We made S'mores, the kids played at the beach and the park and we visited the waterfall again.








The field just before the waterfall is full of purple flowers, purple being the color of pancreatic cancer, and this of course made me think of Brian and all we have been through. 


Camping was something that we loved to do together.  It is something that I hope to continue doing with our kids, making memories and honoring who their dad was at the same time.  I miss him and our family doesn't feel complete without him.  But we are moving forward and creating new memories.  He will forever be in our hearts as we continue down this path.